Commercials can be entertaining, but they can also be very informative. Here are the things I learned from this year's Superbowl commercials.
Monday, February 7, 2011
What I Learned From the Superbowl Commercials
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
American Idol: New Orleans Auditions
The second stop on the Idol audition tour is New Orleans. 6,500 people turn out for their chance to become the next American Idol. Jennifer looks extra nice. Steven looks extra creepy. Randy looks extra dawg.
The first singer up to bat is Jordan Dorsey. He's a vocal and piano instructor. He says he's extra stern on his students. He expects them to practice 4 or 5 times, not just once. 5 whole practices? Man, this guy is strict. Randy says since he plays piano he knows Jordan is going to be in tune. He was in tune. He was actually really good. Halfway through his song he says he's going to "change it up"--so he starts snapping. That's something you learn in practice 5 I bet. Forget the snapping, though. What he should change is his clothes. A white t-shirt? Buddy, you're going on television, not cutting the grass. The judges like him despite his fashion, however, and send him to Hollywood.
We see a couple of bad no-name singers who all are given no's. Then we meet Sarah Sellers. She has big lips. Steven is impressed with her large lips. She wears glasses. Steven also likes her glasses. I think she looks like an elementary school librarian, but she's got a great voice. All three judges give her a yes and she is on her way to Hollywood.
Jovany Barreto has a crush on J Lo. He also is enamored with Marc Anthony. He sings a song in spanish and then starts sucking up big time to Jennifer. Then he strips for her. Wait, what's happening? When did this become a Chippendales audition? You're trying to get to Hollywood, not Vegas. In any event, someone give this guy a bowtie. He apologizes to Marc Anthony for stripping in front of his wife. Look Jovany, we all know now you have a killer body but Marc is worth roughly $125 million. I don't think he feels threatened in the least. The strip tease does the trick, though, and he gets his ticket.
Randy is from Louisiana, so those of us who aren't watching this on our DVR are forced to sit through a Randy tribute segment. I'm a little disappointed they didn't play "Who Let the Dogs Out", but I manage. And, it just so happens the next contestant, Jacquelyn Dupree, has a relative that coached Randy in high school football. This girl's in before she even sings a note. Of course they trot in the coach and he and Randy Banter back and forth a bit. Jacquelyn is good, but it's almost as if she's trying too hard. With the family connection to Randy's past, though, she gets her trip to Hollywood.
Next we get to meet Brett. He likes to stand out, which is good because he's a goofy looking guy with crazy red hair. He uses baby oil to condition it, which seem messy and a little gross. He was constantly bullied and picked on as a kid. This bothered him until one day he had an epiphany…he's going to be comfortable in his own shell…"a red apple in a pile of green apples". This may be the most awkward contestant in the history of the show, but he's good. Shockingly good. And he shouldn't be. He's too awkward.
Gabriel Franks is full of himself. I've heard him say five words and I don't like him already. He sings "Bad Romance." The should be a rule…no, a law…against guys singing this song. And an amendment to that law should prohibit Gabriel from ever singing again.
Since Gabriel was so bad, we get some relief by seeing more bad singers. And then Alex comes in to meet the judges. When Alex was 15 (he's 18 now), he went to Idol Camp. He's painfully bad. What kind of idols is the camp trying to produce? Comic Idols? Tone Deaf Idols? Oblivious to reality idols?
We need some relief from bad singing, and what we get is JC Badeaux. He's a 15 year old fat kid so things aren't' looking all that great that we will be spared from more acoustic torture. OMG! He's actually good! It's a fat Justin Bieber! Or a young, white, skinny Reuben Stoddard! He's my fav. Sorry awkward red head guy, sorry shirtless hunk, I want the fat kid to win. J Lo says he is so sweet, and I agree. It must be the large amounts of sugar that he obviously eats.
Rounding out the New Orleans auditions is Paris Tassin. She got pregnant when she was 15. When she went to the doctor to find out if she was going to have a boy or girl, they told her the baby had hydrocephalus and encouraged her to have an abortion. She decided to have the baby. The baby made it and is doing good. It's this episodes only real sob story…and it's a pretty good one…so I'm moved. Her song has some good moments and some bad moments, but the emotion of it all attacks Jennifer and she starts crying. They give her a ticket to Hollywood.
So far, the first two episodes have been good. I think this season might be able to redeem the show from last year's bore-fest. It has the perfect match of talent, crazies, and talented crazies, so the Hollywood rounds are sure to be exciting.
The first singer up to bat is Jordan Dorsey. He's a vocal and piano instructor. He says he's extra stern on his students. He expects them to practice 4 or 5 times, not just once. 5 whole practices? Man, this guy is strict. Randy says since he plays piano he knows Jordan is going to be in tune. He was in tune. He was actually really good. Halfway through his song he says he's going to "change it up"--so he starts snapping. That's something you learn in practice 5 I bet. Forget the snapping, though. What he should change is his clothes. A white t-shirt? Buddy, you're going on television, not cutting the grass. The judges like him despite his fashion, however, and send him to Hollywood.
We see a couple of bad no-name singers who all are given no's. Then we meet Sarah Sellers. She has big lips. Steven is impressed with her large lips. She wears glasses. Steven also likes her glasses. I think she looks like an elementary school librarian, but she's got a great voice. All three judges give her a yes and she is on her way to Hollywood.
Jovany Barreto has a crush on J Lo. He also is enamored with Marc Anthony. He sings a song in spanish and then starts sucking up big time to Jennifer. Then he strips for her. Wait, what's happening? When did this become a Chippendales audition? You're trying to get to Hollywood, not Vegas. In any event, someone give this guy a bowtie. He apologizes to Marc Anthony for stripping in front of his wife. Look Jovany, we all know now you have a killer body but Marc is worth roughly $125 million. I don't think he feels threatened in the least. The strip tease does the trick, though, and he gets his ticket.
Randy is from Louisiana, so those of us who aren't watching this on our DVR are forced to sit through a Randy tribute segment. I'm a little disappointed they didn't play "Who Let the Dogs Out", but I manage. And, it just so happens the next contestant, Jacquelyn Dupree, has a relative that coached Randy in high school football. This girl's in before she even sings a note. Of course they trot in the coach and he and Randy Banter back and forth a bit. Jacquelyn is good, but it's almost as if she's trying too hard. With the family connection to Randy's past, though, she gets her trip to Hollywood.
Next we get to meet Brett. He likes to stand out, which is good because he's a goofy looking guy with crazy red hair. He uses baby oil to condition it, which seem messy and a little gross. He was constantly bullied and picked on as a kid. This bothered him until one day he had an epiphany…he's going to be comfortable in his own shell…"a red apple in a pile of green apples". This may be the most awkward contestant in the history of the show, but he's good. Shockingly good. And he shouldn't be. He's too awkward.
Gabriel Franks is full of himself. I've heard him say five words and I don't like him already. He sings "Bad Romance." The should be a rule…no, a law…against guys singing this song. And an amendment to that law should prohibit Gabriel from ever singing again.
Since Gabriel was so bad, we get some relief by seeing more bad singers. And then Alex comes in to meet the judges. When Alex was 15 (he's 18 now), he went to Idol Camp. He's painfully bad. What kind of idols is the camp trying to produce? Comic Idols? Tone Deaf Idols? Oblivious to reality idols?
We need some relief from bad singing, and what we get is JC Badeaux. He's a 15 year old fat kid so things aren't' looking all that great that we will be spared from more acoustic torture. OMG! He's actually good! It's a fat Justin Bieber! Or a young, white, skinny Reuben Stoddard! He's my fav. Sorry awkward red head guy, sorry shirtless hunk, I want the fat kid to win. J Lo says he is so sweet, and I agree. It must be the large amounts of sugar that he obviously eats.
Rounding out the New Orleans auditions is Paris Tassin. She got pregnant when she was 15. When she went to the doctor to find out if she was going to have a boy or girl, they told her the baby had hydrocephalus and encouraged her to have an abortion. She decided to have the baby. The baby made it and is doing good. It's this episodes only real sob story…and it's a pretty good one…so I'm moved. Her song has some good moments and some bad moments, but the emotion of it all attacks Jennifer and she starts crying. They give her a ticket to Hollywood.
So far, the first two episodes have been good. I think this season might be able to redeem the show from last year's bore-fest. It has the perfect match of talent, crazies, and talented crazies, so the Hollywood rounds are sure to be exciting.
American Idol: New Jersey Auditions
Grab your pocketknives and start whittling your graven images…American Idol is back and it's all new. Or at least that's what they tell me, or rather show me…for 9 whole minutes. New judges, new audition-round set, new intro graphic package. New. New. New. Wait, to be so new, why does everything seem so familiar? There's still judges, there's still contestants, there's still Ryan. So maybe not new, but at least a little different. Is different good? We'll have to wait a couple of months to know, but it's season 10 so lets give it a shot.
The obvious big change is the new judges, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. Sitting next to each other in the auditions, I can't help but notice that Steven looks like he could be J Lo's mom. Such long pretty hair, such pouty lips, and skin pulled back so tight he looks like the love child of Joan Rivers and Skeletor. Anyhoo, I digress. The first round of auditions are in New Jersey. New Jersey is right next to New York. They could have had the auditions there, but they pick Jersey instead. A fact that I blame squarely on the popularity of "Jersey Shore".
Up first this season we have Rachel Zevita. Jennifer recognizes her as a contestant from season 6. Really? Either Jennifer is a stone-faced liar or a lifelong Idol addict with a steel-trap mind. My money's on the former. More shocking is that Jennifer says she remembers her being really good. See, told you that mind's not a steel trap. After seeing a clip of Rachel's from her season six audition I'm not even sure it's a rusty iron trap. Her song starts out really rough, then gets a little better, but by the end, her voice is so full of vibrato that her song might as well be written by Puccini. As they start to criticize her, she lays on the sucking-up thick. And it works. They all give her a yes.
Next is Caleb Hawley. He has a Jason Mraz-esque sound with a bluesy feel. It's not bad, and is definitely better than Rachel, so he gets a golden ticket as well.
The third person to face the judges is 15 year old Kenzie Palmer. She's a cute girl that has the best voice of the three we've heard so far. She doesn't move enough for Randy, but he gives her a yes anyway (presumably so he can have the chance to say "Yo, yo, dawg, I can't believe you're only 15" all season long). The other judges follow suit and just like that, Kenzie is on her way to Hollywood.
Three no-named singers are quickly shown and granted tickets to Hollywood, and then we meet Achille. She's from the Ivory Coast. She sounds like a tone-deaf frog recovering from laryngitis. The judges say no. She blames it on the accent. Honey, it's not the accent. You can blame the hair, monstrous height, and horrific fashion on your heritage, but you gotta own that you just can't sing. You wouldn't make it a bit farther on Ivory Coast Idol.
It's a third of the way through the show, and I'm just about to give up any hope of seeing any "Jersey Shore" inspired trashiness when Tiffany Rios appears. Score! This Snooki wannabe is just what I've been waiting for. In her introduction, she tells us that you've "got to have the teasing brush with you at all times." Girl, I am so with you on that! How else are we supposed to fashion our hair into a frizzed out mess in the bathroom of a strip-mall Burger King? I tried to do it by shaking my head to Willow Smith's "Whip My Hair", but all that did was sprain my neck. The teasing brush is a much better approach. Tiffany also lets us know that since she is Puerto Rican she has been "blessed in the front and back area". Something tells me she isn't talking about her eyelashes and the curve of her spine. Talk about putting the "ass" in "classy". To accentuate her "front area" she pastes large silver cardboard stars to her not so little ladies. After having a slight come apart when she meets J Lo, she sings an original song- "America Needs Me for Higher Ratings on TV". The song itself is atrocious, but her voice is decent so the judges ask her to pick a different song. She decide on "I'm Your Lady". As much as it pains me to say it, she was pretty good and the judges send her to Hollywood.
We get a series of nameless no's before meeting Melika. It's bad. The voice, the dress, the look. All bad. It's a no for her.
Robbie Rosen was in a wheelchair when he was a kid. Evidently is was pretty traumatic as the family didn't take any photos of him during that time. It's a pretty weak sob story, but since its the only one we've had so far I guess it will do. He's been watching the show since it started…when he was 7…OMG I'm old. He has a good voice. A big voice. Not as big as his nose mind you. Seriously, the kid has a gigantic nose. But, he's kinda cute in a meek and mild way so I'm a fan.
Next we get a series of clips featuring Steven Tyler creeping on the female contestants. It's a little bit frightening. Steven, flirting obsessively with the underage contestants doesn't make you seem young and virile. It just makes you seem desperate and potentially viral. 20 seconds into the montage and I fully expected Antoine Dodson to appear reminding us to hide our kids, hide our wife.
The next hopeful to face the judges is Chris Cordeiro. He's a longtime boy scout. He tells us he's prepared, after all, it's the boy scout way. We see a brief clip of his eagle scout project, a video PSA to encourage teens not to text and drive. His outfit is totally stupid. Like he's at camp and his regular uniform is hanging out to dry. He tries singing Sinatra. It's no good. Obviously Chris didn't get the singing merit badge…or the fashion badge for that matter. He gets lost leaving the platform so his orienteering merit badge is also missing I guess.
We see a few more no's and then meet Michael. Michael has a problem. He burps when he gets nervous. We are treated to a series of burps to prove the point. Before you get too concerned, though, he tells us he doesn't think it's acid reflux or anything. What a relief. For a moment there I thought it was a medical condition. I'm comforted now to know you're just rude. He sings "Proud Mary". Mary wouldn't be proud. At least he made it through the song without burping.
Our first glimpse of Ashley Sullivan is her coming out of a portable toilet. She looks like a Saturday Night Live character…or a meth addict….or maybe a Saturday Night Live character playing a meth addict. She's a huge Britney Spears fan. She carries a folded up magazine photo of Britney in her back pocket. She tells the judges she wants to be the first "showtune popstar." Now don't get me wrong, no one wants a showtune popstar more than me. I would just prefer the vehicle not be a meth'd out anorexic. She is on the low end of the decent scale vocally, but she manages to cry and beg yes votes out of Steven and Jennifer.
Victoria Huggins has a squeaky, southern speaking voice. If Disney ever releases an animated feature where Minnie Mouse grows up in rural Appalachia, Vicky is a shoe-in to do the voice over work. She's kind of adorable, and kind of a train wreck. When Steven compliments her on her skirt (Stop it Steven), she replies that she wants "to appeal to the boy audience" but also wants "to be a lady". A couple of nights in Hollywood with Tiffany Rios will cure her of her modesty I'm sure. If nothing else, she's entertaining in a Kelli Pickler sort of way and the judges all vote yes.
Melinda Ademi is from Kosovo. Her and her parents left there because of the war when they won a green card in the green card lottery. The video montage shows lines of people waiting at a food distribution. Sorry Robbie, this is the way to do a sob story. She has a so-so voice but the story is just too much to pass up so all the judges give her a yes.
Next we are introduced to the singing waitress, Devyn Rush. She spends a good portion of her 15 minutes of fame plugging her restaurant, so she's obviously also a brilliant marketer. Her voice is the best we've heard so far. Randy comments that she was "changing notes and the whole thing" and that's the sign of a good ear. I thought changing notes was just the sign of singing, but I'll leave it to the experts I suppose. Randy also says she can "blow". Ummm, eek. Perhaps you should leave yours and the contestants personal relationships off the air. Just a thought.
After some quick no's for Jeremy Kennedy and Genise Deal, we meet Yoji- aka, Yogi Pop. He has imitated Michael Jackson since before he was born, but he doesn't like doing it. He hates the song "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. So, of course, he sings "Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. Insert asian karaoke stereotype here. Suffice it to say, it's bad. But his Michael Jackson dancing is pretty good, so at least he can keep doing one of the things he hates.
Brielle's dad was a member of a singing group. Then he got throat cancer. He's cancer free now, which makes for an uplifting story. It lacked the stirring images of people waiting in bread lines, but when the dad comes in to meet the judges it's enough to make them overlook her moderate vocal performance. She gets three yes votes.
The last contestant of the episode it Travis Orlando. Travis grew up in a poor neighborhood filled with gangs, drugs, violence, robberies, and killings. He's throwing every tactic in the sob-story book at us. We get to see a video clip of the shelter where he lived for several years, complete with images of leaky hydrants and sounds of sirens. He's a cute guy with a bit of a Bruno Mars look. He sings a Beatles song with a light latin flair. It's pretty good. He also sings a Jason Mraz number, and it's really good. After the judges give him a pass to Hollywood he breaks down in tears and his brother rushes over to comfort and congratulate him. It's actually pretty sweet and heartwarming and I tear up a little. What's wrong with me?
All in all the premier episode was good. We'll see if the judges can build on their chemistry and if the talent stays strong. That is, after all, what makes this American Idol.
The obvious big change is the new judges, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. Sitting next to each other in the auditions, I can't help but notice that Steven looks like he could be J Lo's mom. Such long pretty hair, such pouty lips, and skin pulled back so tight he looks like the love child of Joan Rivers and Skeletor. Anyhoo, I digress. The first round of auditions are in New Jersey. New Jersey is right next to New York. They could have had the auditions there, but they pick Jersey instead. A fact that I blame squarely on the popularity of "Jersey Shore".
Up first this season we have Rachel Zevita. Jennifer recognizes her as a contestant from season 6. Really? Either Jennifer is a stone-faced liar or a lifelong Idol addict with a steel-trap mind. My money's on the former. More shocking is that Jennifer says she remembers her being really good. See, told you that mind's not a steel trap. After seeing a clip of Rachel's from her season six audition I'm not even sure it's a rusty iron trap. Her song starts out really rough, then gets a little better, but by the end, her voice is so full of vibrato that her song might as well be written by Puccini. As they start to criticize her, she lays on the sucking-up thick. And it works. They all give her a yes.
Next is Caleb Hawley. He has a Jason Mraz-esque sound with a bluesy feel. It's not bad, and is definitely better than Rachel, so he gets a golden ticket as well.
The third person to face the judges is 15 year old Kenzie Palmer. She's a cute girl that has the best voice of the three we've heard so far. She doesn't move enough for Randy, but he gives her a yes anyway (presumably so he can have the chance to say "Yo, yo, dawg, I can't believe you're only 15" all season long). The other judges follow suit and just like that, Kenzie is on her way to Hollywood.
Three no-named singers are quickly shown and granted tickets to Hollywood, and then we meet Achille. She's from the Ivory Coast. She sounds like a tone-deaf frog recovering from laryngitis. The judges say no. She blames it on the accent. Honey, it's not the accent. You can blame the hair, monstrous height, and horrific fashion on your heritage, but you gotta own that you just can't sing. You wouldn't make it a bit farther on Ivory Coast Idol.
It's a third of the way through the show, and I'm just about to give up any hope of seeing any "Jersey Shore" inspired trashiness when Tiffany Rios appears. Score! This Snooki wannabe is just what I've been waiting for. In her introduction, she tells us that you've "got to have the teasing brush with you at all times." Girl, I am so with you on that! How else are we supposed to fashion our hair into a frizzed out mess in the bathroom of a strip-mall Burger King? I tried to do it by shaking my head to Willow Smith's "Whip My Hair", but all that did was sprain my neck. The teasing brush is a much better approach. Tiffany also lets us know that since she is Puerto Rican she has been "blessed in the front and back area". Something tells me she isn't talking about her eyelashes and the curve of her spine. Talk about putting the "ass" in "classy". To accentuate her "front area" she pastes large silver cardboard stars to her not so little ladies. After having a slight come apart when she meets J Lo, she sings an original song- "America Needs Me for Higher Ratings on TV". The song itself is atrocious, but her voice is decent so the judges ask her to pick a different song. She decide on "I'm Your Lady". As much as it pains me to say it, she was pretty good and the judges send her to Hollywood.
We get a series of nameless no's before meeting Melika. It's bad. The voice, the dress, the look. All bad. It's a no for her.
Robbie Rosen was in a wheelchair when he was a kid. Evidently is was pretty traumatic as the family didn't take any photos of him during that time. It's a pretty weak sob story, but since its the only one we've had so far I guess it will do. He's been watching the show since it started…when he was 7…OMG I'm old. He has a good voice. A big voice. Not as big as his nose mind you. Seriously, the kid has a gigantic nose. But, he's kinda cute in a meek and mild way so I'm a fan.
Next we get a series of clips featuring Steven Tyler creeping on the female contestants. It's a little bit frightening. Steven, flirting obsessively with the underage contestants doesn't make you seem young and virile. It just makes you seem desperate and potentially viral. 20 seconds into the montage and I fully expected Antoine Dodson to appear reminding us to hide our kids, hide our wife.
The next hopeful to face the judges is Chris Cordeiro. He's a longtime boy scout. He tells us he's prepared, after all, it's the boy scout way. We see a brief clip of his eagle scout project, a video PSA to encourage teens not to text and drive. His outfit is totally stupid. Like he's at camp and his regular uniform is hanging out to dry. He tries singing Sinatra. It's no good. Obviously Chris didn't get the singing merit badge…or the fashion badge for that matter. He gets lost leaving the platform so his orienteering merit badge is also missing I guess.
We see a few more no's and then meet Michael. Michael has a problem. He burps when he gets nervous. We are treated to a series of burps to prove the point. Before you get too concerned, though, he tells us he doesn't think it's acid reflux or anything. What a relief. For a moment there I thought it was a medical condition. I'm comforted now to know you're just rude. He sings "Proud Mary". Mary wouldn't be proud. At least he made it through the song without burping.
Our first glimpse of Ashley Sullivan is her coming out of a portable toilet. She looks like a Saturday Night Live character…or a meth addict….or maybe a Saturday Night Live character playing a meth addict. She's a huge Britney Spears fan. She carries a folded up magazine photo of Britney in her back pocket. She tells the judges she wants to be the first "showtune popstar." Now don't get me wrong, no one wants a showtune popstar more than me. I would just prefer the vehicle not be a meth'd out anorexic. She is on the low end of the decent scale vocally, but she manages to cry and beg yes votes out of Steven and Jennifer.
Victoria Huggins has a squeaky, southern speaking voice. If Disney ever releases an animated feature where Minnie Mouse grows up in rural Appalachia, Vicky is a shoe-in to do the voice over work. She's kind of adorable, and kind of a train wreck. When Steven compliments her on her skirt (Stop it Steven), she replies that she wants "to appeal to the boy audience" but also wants "to be a lady". A couple of nights in Hollywood with Tiffany Rios will cure her of her modesty I'm sure. If nothing else, she's entertaining in a Kelli Pickler sort of way and the judges all vote yes.
Melinda Ademi is from Kosovo. Her and her parents left there because of the war when they won a green card in the green card lottery. The video montage shows lines of people waiting at a food distribution. Sorry Robbie, this is the way to do a sob story. She has a so-so voice but the story is just too much to pass up so all the judges give her a yes.
Next we are introduced to the singing waitress, Devyn Rush. She spends a good portion of her 15 minutes of fame plugging her restaurant, so she's obviously also a brilliant marketer. Her voice is the best we've heard so far. Randy comments that she was "changing notes and the whole thing" and that's the sign of a good ear. I thought changing notes was just the sign of singing, but I'll leave it to the experts I suppose. Randy also says she can "blow". Ummm, eek. Perhaps you should leave yours and the contestants personal relationships off the air. Just a thought.
After some quick no's for Jeremy Kennedy and Genise Deal, we meet Yoji- aka, Yogi Pop. He has imitated Michael Jackson since before he was born, but he doesn't like doing it. He hates the song "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. So, of course, he sings "Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. Insert asian karaoke stereotype here. Suffice it to say, it's bad. But his Michael Jackson dancing is pretty good, so at least he can keep doing one of the things he hates.
Brielle's dad was a member of a singing group. Then he got throat cancer. He's cancer free now, which makes for an uplifting story. It lacked the stirring images of people waiting in bread lines, but when the dad comes in to meet the judges it's enough to make them overlook her moderate vocal performance. She gets three yes votes.
The last contestant of the episode it Travis Orlando. Travis grew up in a poor neighborhood filled with gangs, drugs, violence, robberies, and killings. He's throwing every tactic in the sob-story book at us. We get to see a video clip of the shelter where he lived for several years, complete with images of leaky hydrants and sounds of sirens. He's a cute guy with a bit of a Bruno Mars look. He sings a Beatles song with a light latin flair. It's pretty good. He also sings a Jason Mraz number, and it's really good. After the judges give him a pass to Hollywood he breaks down in tears and his brother rushes over to comfort and congratulate him. It's actually pretty sweet and heartwarming and I tear up a little. What's wrong with me?
All in all the premier episode was good. We'll see if the judges can build on their chemistry and if the talent stays strong. That is, after all, what makes this American Idol.
Friday, December 31, 2010
The Crazies, The Crazies, They Came in By Twoosie Twoosies
That's right, my friends, the Ark Park story is back…and just when you thought it couldn't get any nuttier. This project is a true gem, one that I look forward to providing me with fodder for many months to come. It is to religious satire what Sarah Palin is to political satire.
As I posted in a previous entry, an Old Testament theme park, complete with life-size replica of Noah's Ark, is being constructed in Kentucky. Well, a blogger in Kentucky thought he would also have some fun with the story so he posed some questions to the developers of $150 million dollar attraction. Namely, will the ark have dinosaurs? The answer….Yes! But not only that, there will be dragons! That's right, dragons. According to Answers in Genesis, the people responsible for the project:
"Being land animals, dinosaurs (or dragons of the land) were created on Day Six (Genesis 1:24–31), went aboard Noah’s Ark (Genesis 6:20), and then came off the Ark into the post-Flood world (Genesis 8:16–19). It makes sense that many cultures would have seen these creatures from time to time before they died out."
Oh boy. Does Answers in Genesis have a paleontologist on staff? How about an anthropologist? Maybe a zoologist? Heck, even a proctologist should be able to help them out with this one. Land dragons running around with humans 4,000 years ago? Sigh. Well. this is at least good news for Pete. Sad to say it spells trouble for the Gogans, though.
As I posted in a previous entry, an Old Testament theme park, complete with life-size replica of Noah's Ark, is being constructed in Kentucky. Well, a blogger in Kentucky thought he would also have some fun with the story so he posed some questions to the developers of $150 million dollar attraction. Namely, will the ark have dinosaurs? The answer….Yes! But not only that, there will be dragons! That's right, dragons. According to Answers in Genesis, the people responsible for the project:
"Being land animals, dinosaurs (or dragons of the land) were created on Day Six (Genesis 1:24–31), went aboard Noah’s Ark (Genesis 6:20), and then came off the Ark into the post-Flood world (Genesis 8:16–19). It makes sense that many cultures would have seen these creatures from time to time before they died out."
Oh boy. Does Answers in Genesis have a paleontologist on staff? How about an anthropologist? Maybe a zoologist? Heck, even a proctologist should be able to help them out with this one. Land dragons running around with humans 4,000 years ago? Sigh. Well. this is at least good news for Pete. Sad to say it spells trouble for the Gogans, though.
Well we've got dragons on board now, how about Falcor? I mean if Pete gets his mythological buddy, why can't Atreyu?
Someone needs to warn Noah, though. If he thought termites, carpenter ants, and woodpeckers were going to give him some trouble in a structure made entirely of wood; a pair of fire-breathing dragons will spell disaster.
But why stop there, let's add in some hobbits for good measure. And how about some Dr. Seuss creatures--those Truffula Trees aren't going to speak for themselves you know. And maybe some unicorns too…wait…they are going to have unicorns. The Answers in Genesis site says:
"Some people claim the Bible is a book of fairy tales because it mentions unicorns. However, the biblical unicorn was a real animal, not an imaginary creature. To think of the biblical unicorn as a fantasy animal is to demean God’s Word, which is true in every detail."
Seriously? Rainbows? Unicorns? This place is one Cher performance away from being a whole other kind of park.
But why stop there, let's add in some hobbits for good measure. And how about some Dr. Seuss creatures--those Truffula Trees aren't going to speak for themselves you know. And maybe some unicorns too…wait…they are going to have unicorns. The Answers in Genesis site says:
"Some people claim the Bible is a book of fairy tales because it mentions unicorns. However, the biblical unicorn was a real animal, not an imaginary creature. To think of the biblical unicorn as a fantasy animal is to demean God’s Word, which is true in every detail."
Seriously? Rainbows? Unicorns? This place is one Cher performance away from being a whole other kind of park.
I can't wait to see what other stories develop from this. In the meantime, I'm getting my pink My Little Pony, Cheerilee, and heading off to Kentucky. I don't want her to get left behind.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Taking the Sin out of Cinema
By now, everyone knows that I’m a raging right-wing fundamentalist. In fact, if it weren’t for some pesky zoning laws and tax-code issues I would have franchised Westboro Baptist Churches across this great, God-fearing land. So you can easily imagine my delight when I came across the “ClearPlay” DVD player. Essentially, it’s a DVD player that filters out all the horrible, objectionable materials in today’s movies and allows you to watch them with a clear conscience.
The one reason I don’t have kids is I can’t stand the thought of raising them in a world as filthy and hedonistic as ours--fearful that they won’t be able to turn around and look back at the neighborhood as they head to preschool lest they become a pillar of salt. Well, thanks to ClearPlay, we are on the road to societal recovery. Now I can procreate without worrying that Jasmine and Aladdin will seduce my children with their revealing clothing and well-toned bodies. Confident that Pochahontas will no longer have them praying to some “blue corn moon.” That’s right, with this DVD player from heaven, families will be able to watch any movie they want without fear of corrupting their souls. Don't believe me, just visit their site: www.clearplay.com.
The way it works is really quite simple. You purchase the device and visit the website to download filters for the movies you want to watch. Some poor lost soul at ClearPlay HQ has sacrificed his innocence to watch all the movies and log objectionable content. You transfer that data from your computer to your “filter stick”. You then slowly insert the “filter stick” into the hole on the front of the device to deposit the filtering information. (The demonstration video leaves this part out because their filters found the insertion to be too suggestive.) A miniature Pat Robertson or James Dobson contained in each device then uses that information to alter the playback of the movie.
I, of course, rushed right out and bought one. It was only $119, plus $8 dollars a month for a subscription to the content filters. And let me tell you, my spiritual life is already improving. But it’s also a huge time saver. After removing the implied marital sex, intense action/adventure, war themes, non-graphic injury/wound, intense battle sequence, smoking, murder topic, implied premarital sex, threatening dialogue, intense life/death situations, disaster themes, alcohol consumption, bar/club environment, revealing clothing, fantasy/sci-fi action, intense thematic elements, suicide, criminal themes, gangster themes, and mob themes, the ridiculously long “Avatar” is a manageable 26 minutes. I will spend all the time saved in prayer and devotion.
So tonight, as I sit down to watch “Glee”, finally free of the non-sensual/non-crude sex talk, implied premarital sex, suggestive dancing, drug references, revealing clothing, homosexual/lesbian characters, dysfunctional relationships, and implied extramarital sex, I do so with a heart hopeful for the future…and with one request. In a future release of the ClearPlay player, could the edited out scenes be replaced with clips from the 700 Club? Then all would be right with the world—scratch that—all would be righteous with the world.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Oh Noah They Didn't!
The church where my parents attend has a fairly elaborate children’s building with ornate painted caricatures and large cut-outs of animals and Noah that it calls Noah’s Park. The church is quite proud of it, and rightfully so, they sunk a bit of change into constructing it. Well, it looks like some folks in Kentucky are going to best them with the construction of “Ark Encounter”, a life sized replica of the ark.
The ark will serve as the centerpiece of a $150 million, 800 acre, for-profit, theme park in Northern Kentucky. According to their website www.arkencounter.com, “The Ark Encounter will be an immersive, historically themed experience for the whole family focused on having fun while learning about history. It is not an amusement park. It will feature a number of daily live performances, as well as live special events. It will also include “edu-tainment” aspects–educational and entertaining experiences within each attraction.”
It’s not an amusement park? Crap! I was looking forward to an ark themed “Flying Dutchmen” ride. Lack of rides, aside, the project is a pretty ambitious one…and one that I’m not quite sure I’m “on board” with. While I’m fully accustomed to the monetization of Christianity, it seems like there could be far better uses of $150 million in living out the message of Christ than building this Disneyworld meets Liberty University attraction.
It’s not an amusement park? Crap! I was looking forward to an ark themed “Flying Dutchmen” ride. Lack of rides, aside, the project is a pretty ambitious one…and one that I’m not quite sure I’m “on board” with. While I’m fully accustomed to the monetization of Christianity, it seems like there could be far better uses of $150 million in living out the message of Christ than building this Disneyworld meets Liberty University attraction.
As you might expect, the centerpiece of the park will be the ark itself. Ark Encounter describes the attraction as “A full-size Ark, built to biblical dimensions. Guests will be able to tour the Ark and be immersed in the times of the Bible through highly themed scenes and presentations. This walk-through of the Ark will enable each guest to gain an understanding of how it could have been built, and how Noah, his family, and all of the representative kinds of land animals were cared for, and then survived on board for 370 days of the Flood and its aftermath. “
Now, when you think of the story of the ark it’s easy to conjure up images of furry animals, doves, and rainbows. But don’t forget about that whole global annihilation part too. How exactly will the attraction handle that? Will guests get to smell the horrific stink that must have been present from having thousands of animals in one enclosure? Will they be able to hear the screams of men as they claw at the structure for life trying to get inside as the waters rise? Will children be able to see the faces of the mothers treading water while trying to keep their infants’ heads above the waterline? There is nothing cute or whimsical about the true story of the ark. It’s a tale of global destruction. It’s the most nightmarish tale in the history of the world. But go ahead, bring the kids. Just make sure you live somewhere very, very, dry…because every time it starts to rain at your house, your kiddos are going to feel a panic like none they’ve ever known. Sweet dreams!
But wait, there’s more. The park will also feature The Walled City. “This 14-acre area depicts the lifestyle of the people of Noah’s day. It includes period shops, restaurants, and venues that bring to life the city and times in which Noah lived, including his house.”
Am I the only one that thinks this may be a worse idea than the ark itself? The people in Noah’s day were so wicked that God felt it necessary to destroy the whole world, right? So I imagine this town would make Amsterdam look like Vatican City. Not exactly what I would consider family friendly. I’m not sure what sort of restaurants and period shops are going to be showcased here, but to experience it all as a family, you might want to go ahead and get your kids a fake ID.
But don’t worry; it’s not all Brothels and graven images. The park also has Noah’s Animals. “This fun area will provide Ark Encounter guests with the opportunity to learn more about some of the animal kinds that were on the Ark. This area will be similar to a petting zoo, complete with barns, a petting animal area, an open grazing area, a stage for daily live animal and bird shows, and lots of meet-and-greet areas for close-up encounters with unique animals and birds.”
Sounds harmless enough. Just don’t let the kids get too attached to the animals. They’re out here, not on the ark. Wait, come to think of it, neither are you. Crap. Hope you invested in those swimming lessons.
Rising above the park will be a 100’ replica of The Tower of Babel. Am I missing something? Wasn’t the moral of the story of The Tower of Babel to not build a Tower of Babel? At any rate, I’ll be investing in a Rosetta Stone kiosk at the base of the structure. Seems like it might come in handy.
Ark Encounter has their work cut out for them. They anticipate the park being completed in the spring of 2014, and expect to attract 1.6 million visitors a year. That puts it on par with the attendance of a mid-sized Six Flags. Whatever motivates people to visit, I have but one closing suggestion. As you’re leaving the giant, gated, walled complex built by investors more interested in profits than sharing Christ’s love…don’t turn around and look back. I’d hate for you to literally become “salt of the earth.”
Saturday, December 4, 2010
North Korea + Male Prostitues = The End of the World
I’ve long believed that there are two types of crazies in the world. The first, much more common kind, is the type many of us sometimes fall into—and the type we all run into on a daily basis. This type is made up of people like those who think Sarah Palin would make a good President, or those who don’t believe there were dinosaurs—generally well intentioned, just misguided in some of their beliefs. Then there’s the second type. The certifiable “voices in the head” crazy. They’re the ones we “commit” and send to treatment, although they can be much less dangerous than the first kind.
Today, I ran across a video from a whole new type of crazy. In many ways it’s a dangerous combination of the first two, the type that might hear Sarah Palin’s voice in their head…but with a whole new crazy added on top. I call this type the “William Tapley” crazy. Just watch.
I hope you made it through the whole thing, but I fully understand if you weren’t able to. For that reason, I have provided a brief summary (with commentary, of course).
The speaker, William Tapley, introduces himself as the “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse”. I’m not well versed enough in the end times to know who the other two eagles are. I’m guessing one of them is Kirk Cameron. He is also the “Co-Prophet of the End Times”. How’s that for a title? Suddenly, Director of Conversion Optimization doesn’t sound so fancy.
The speaker, William Tapley, introduces himself as the “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse”. I’m not well versed enough in the end times to know who the other two eagles are. I’m guessing one of them is Kirk Cameron. He is also the “Co-Prophet of the End Times”. How’s that for a title? Suddenly, Director of Conversion Optimization doesn’t sound so fancy.
Last week, it would seem, was a super important week for those obsessed with the end of days. North Korea fired shots on South Korea, which according to Tapley is the start of World War 3. Now I know what you’re thinking…couldn’t that just be some saber rattling on the part of North Korea? Well, Tapley has his bases covered. The shots were fired on 11/23. And the numbers 11 and 23 are evil numbers. The Co-Prophet would know, he’s been looking for evil numbers.
The number 2 stands for man, the number 3 stands for God. As a result, the number 23 puts man before God. That’s bad. And if you divide 2 by 3, you get…wait for it….666. If doesn’t take an apocalyptic eagle to know that number’s bad news. As for the number 11, well that’s a “homosexual number”. Really? I could have sworn it was 69. Oh well, live and learn. The guys at gay bingo are going to be very disappointed to hear this, though. He doesn’t explain why 11 is a gay number here, but mentions that he has covered it in other postings. It would seem that in order to be “William Tapley” crazy, you have to be a prolific youtube poster and I didn’t have the stamina to watch the hundreds of videos to find out.
So what, you might be asking yourself, North Korea fires some shots on an evil gay date. That doesn’t mean the world is coming to an end. Well, it just so happens that in the same week, the pope allowed the use of “some forms of condoms for male prostitutes.” Some forms? What forms? Extra-large? Flavored? Textured? My guess is that it’s the kind below.
Taking us to the “Tribulation Timeline” Tapley explains that leading up to the midpoint of the tribulation, aka the “Abomination of Desolation”, the Holy City will be trod under foot for 42 months. The Holy City is not Jerusalem, he explains, but rather Rome and the Vatican City. With the conditional allowance of condom use by Pope Bennedict, the trodding has begun. This will cause Catholics to flee from their church for 1260 days. This places the “Abomination of Desolation” on April 13, 2014. I’ve gone ahead and had t-shirts printed. Not only is this a Palm Sunday, but its an unusual Palm Sunday. On this date, it just so happens that the Orthodox and Christian church both celebrate Palm Sunday. Convinced yet? Well you should be. What better day for the antichrist to make his appearance than the day both Jews and Christians celebrate Christ’s triumphal entry.
He goes on for a bit about Catholics fleeing the church, and then lets us in on one last little gem of a secret. Airport scanners are a precursor to the mark of the beast. I knew I saw little horns on the head of that TSA agent at SEATAC.
People talk crazy all the time. It’s this guy’s conviction that makes it so frightening. He might as well be telling us that unicorns dressed as smurfs are going to break into our homes and steal our pez dispenser collections….but he does it with unquestionable certainty. And that is the true hallmark of “William Tapley Crazy”
The number 2 stands for man, the number 3 stands for God. As a result, the number 23 puts man before God. That’s bad. And if you divide 2 by 3, you get…wait for it….666. If doesn’t take an apocalyptic eagle to know that number’s bad news. As for the number 11, well that’s a “homosexual number”. Really? I could have sworn it was 69. Oh well, live and learn. The guys at gay bingo are going to be very disappointed to hear this, though. He doesn’t explain why 11 is a gay number here, but mentions that he has covered it in other postings. It would seem that in order to be “William Tapley” crazy, you have to be a prolific youtube poster and I didn’t have the stamina to watch the hundreds of videos to find out.
So what, you might be asking yourself, North Korea fires some shots on an evil gay date. That doesn’t mean the world is coming to an end. Well, it just so happens that in the same week, the pope allowed the use of “some forms of condoms for male prostitutes.” Some forms? What forms? Extra-large? Flavored? Textured? My guess is that it’s the kind below.
Taking us to the “Tribulation Timeline” Tapley explains that leading up to the midpoint of the tribulation, aka the “Abomination of Desolation”, the Holy City will be trod under foot for 42 months. The Holy City is not Jerusalem, he explains, but rather Rome and the Vatican City. With the conditional allowance of condom use by Pope Bennedict, the trodding has begun. This will cause Catholics to flee from their church for 1260 days. This places the “Abomination of Desolation” on April 13, 2014. I’ve gone ahead and had t-shirts printed. Not only is this a Palm Sunday, but its an unusual Palm Sunday. On this date, it just so happens that the Orthodox and Christian church both celebrate Palm Sunday. Convinced yet? Well you should be. What better day for the antichrist to make his appearance than the day both Jews and Christians celebrate Christ’s triumphal entry.
He goes on for a bit about Catholics fleeing the church, and then lets us in on one last little gem of a secret. Airport scanners are a precursor to the mark of the beast. I knew I saw little horns on the head of that TSA agent at SEATAC.
People talk crazy all the time. It’s this guy’s conviction that makes it so frightening. He might as well be telling us that unicorns dressed as smurfs are going to break into our homes and steal our pez dispenser collections….but he does it with unquestionable certainty. And that is the true hallmark of “William Tapley Crazy”
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