It's Beginning to Look A Lot "Light" Christmas

It's Christmas time, so Seattle is decking the streets and storefronts with boughs of holly. It's quite gorgeous, actually, but I'm afraid dear ole' Macy's has gone a bit too far--at least from my vantage point. Obviously, Macy's loves Christmas. They have that parade and everything so they seem to be kind of a fan. Something about making 70% of your annual sales during the time period will do that to a retailer I suppose.

The downtown Seattle Macy's has decided to commemorate the season with a giant, 6 story scale model of the Star of Bethlehem (which explains the recent run on gold, frankincense, and myrhh in the city). It would be quite lovely if it weren't so bright. At the center, there is what seems to be a 50 gigawatt, Space Shuttle headlight focused right in my window. It's like a police search light aimed into my condo, which is enough to make anyone feel nervous. I keep expecting my door to be kicked open by assault rifle wielding SWAT members at any moment.

And even though the light is blinding and keeps me from my restful slumber, I worry more for the people at Macy's than I do for myself (it's in my nature to care more for others, just ask around). I keep thinking back to the story of the tower of Babel. If building a tower that reached to the heavens ticked off God enough to send its builders scurrying to parts unknown speaking in different tongues, I can't imagine what fate lies in store (pun intended) for those who attempt to recreate the North Star. Surely it's more consequential. It's a heavenly body they're mimicking here.

Because I'm a concerned Christian, and a bit of a self appointed prophet, I called the good folks at Macy's to warn them--I felt it was the least I could do. The customer service agent seemed less than concerned, though. I couldn't make out what she was saying between the cursing and the fits of laughter, but at least I know I've done my part. If tomorrow I see a mass exodus of Macy's employees, all confusingly shopping at other department stores, I'll know why. And I'll rest easy knowing I did all I could to prevent it.

Said the city boy to shoppers at the mall
Do you see what I see
Shining bright, affixed to that store's wall
Do you see what I see
A star, a star, so bright it makes you blind
It will bring you Lacoste and Calvin Klein
It will bring you Lacoste and Calvin Klein

Super Important Message to Youth Pastors, High School Club Sponsors, and Small-Time Event Planners About Event T-Shirts

I was riding back from lunch with a friend the other day and somehow the subject of church camp shirts came up. This got me thinking, and as often is the case, that thinking led to a mental rant…which I have decided to post here as a means of therapy. We will call this my “Super Important Message to Youth Pastors, High School Club Sponsors, and Small-Time Event Planners About Event T-Shirts”

To start with, focus first on the shirt and not the design. No amount of hip design work is going to make that ash grey shirt look cool. Also off limits: royal blue, fire engine red, and hunter green. Take a quick trip to the mall. If the only place you can find the color shirt you’re considering is in a crayola 8 pack, then it’s probably best you reconsider.

As for the fabric, poly-blend is your friend. Say it with me, it even rhymes to make it easier to remember. I know there’s that whole Leviticus mixing your fabrics thing, but if the Jewish Law had been able to foresee the horror that is the Hanes Beefy T, I’m certain there would have been a listed exception. Nothing like 150% cotton to drape your body into a shapeless form. Go ahead and add a little poly, make yourself look like a person and not a blob from a horror flick lagoon. In fact, go a bit crazy, opt for a blend that has a little stretch. You’ll notice your friends start ignoring you less. Remember, if the shirt looks as flattering on a box as it does the human figure, move on to the next style.

My biggest pet peeve (not that I generally keep peeves as pets) is the ratio of shirt sizes that are selected for these events. Not everyone attending your function is an NFL linebacker. Keep that in mind and size accordingly. Some of us are “travel size” and would appreciate a shirt that doesn’t slide off our shoulders and hang well past our knees. I’ve never had the urge to buy a night gown, but I also wouldn’t need to. I’ve been to enough shirt granting functions that I could be gowned up every night of the week if I so chose. Never forget that you’re designing shirts, not sleeping bags.

For the most part, long sleeve t-shirts are a bad idea. The problem is with the big elastic cuff that plagues most of them. All the excess sleeve material gathers at the cuff and billows out in a cascading puffy ruffle manner that leaves you looking more like an extra in a low budget Shakespeare in the Park production than a participant in “Jesus Explosion ‘05”. So, if you’re hosting your event in North Dakota, and feel compelled to go with long sleeves, search for one without an elastic cuff….unless, of course, your event is a Shakespeare in the Park production.

As for the design of the shirt, there are basically 2 rules. Rule #1: Less is more. Don’t cover the whole thing in your design. Screen printing ink can get kinda thick and if you layer it on, you end up with a puff paint looking top straight from the 3rd grade Vacation Bible School crafts class. Rule #2: Get creative with the design placement. Nothing screams “old school, college frat kegger” like a logo on the right chest and a big graphic on the center of the back. Again, go shopping. How many shirts hanging on the rack have that design placement? Unless you’re shopping at a thrift store, I promise you the answer is none.

Well it’s late, and I’m getting pretty sleepy. Guess it’s time to throw on my “Jesus Explosion ‘05” gown and hit the bed. Sweet Dreams!

Random Update

It's been a crazy few weeks. That's my excuse for not having posted in a while. I would like to say that it's because of my super-hectic social life, but most of you that know me would surely call my bluff. I went to a few places with some friends on Halloween. I wore my usual costume and went as a youngish snob who thinks he's too good to dress up on Halloween. It was quite a convincing costume, but I didn't win any prizes. But aside from my lack of costume trophies, things have been pretty good.

We had another re-org at work (that makes 3 since I've been there). My role got expanded a bit. And our team moved to a new area which consists of a bunch of folding tables in a big open space. They call it "collaborative space". I call it "cheap". I guess it means more money for starving kids, however, so I can't complain too much. And I will admit that it does enhance collaboration. I just need to come up with a way to glam the space up a bit. We have a strict "no feathers and glitter" policy, though, so I will have to come up with some creative work-arounds.

Friday at lunch, I was told by a friend that I had a "pretty personality". The problem is, the conversation wasn't about personalities. So instead of it being a compliment, I was suddenly the fat chick being awarded "Miss Congeniality" at a beauty contest. Ouch! I have a list where I rank my friends, and this individual had been moving up the list. This is definitely gonna' cost them a few spots.

I think Seattle skipped fall this year and went straight to winter. It's been a rainy mess. The summer was super nice so I was thinking maybe all the dreary Seattle banter was just hype--turns out it's not. But me and my pretty personality are going to make the most of it, spreading a little bit of sunshine wherever I go. And to the friend that awarded me "Miss Congeniality", that award better be coming with a scepter and a sash.

X-Factor. I LOVE this show.

It's two weeks into the final rounds of X-Factor and I'm ready to declare my favorites for the season (which if my American Idol record stands, is very bad news for them).

Danyl Johnson- the overconfident guy with the powerhouse voice.

Joe McElderry- the sweetheart with the tender voice.

Stacey Solomon- The surprise with the soulful voice

Nursery Rhymes are Terrifying...the saga ends

Missed another night, grrrr....and I was doing so good at the start. Oh well, that means another double dose post. The first rhyme is one I had never heard until I started my nursery rhyme research. It's called "Ladybug, Ladybug" and was written in 1744.

Ladybug, ladybug

Fly away home

Your house is on fire

And your children all gone

All except one

And that's little Ann

For she crept under

The frying pan

What in the world? Had this been written today, I would assume it was some social commentary on working mothers. Busy, career oriented ladybug goes off to work leaving her little ones at home. House catches fire while she's away (most likely because she left the flat iron on in her dash to get to the office), and all but one of her children are burned to death. And poor, sweet, Ann will have to live with the burn scars and the emotional horror of watching her siblings melt in the heat. Sweet dreams kids!

Next is "Solomon Grundy" from 1842, another rather obscure tale.

Solomon Grundy

Born on a Monday

Christened on Tuesday

Married on Wednesday

Took ill on Thursday

Grew worse on Friday

Died on Saturday

Buried on Sunday

This is the end

Of Solomon Grundy

So first off, I think promoting the idea of 3 day olds getting married is disgusting. I don't even think the mormons would advocate this. And then, after his forced betrothal, poor little Solomon contracts some hideous disease that kills him within the week. Brings a tear to my eye and a chill to my spine. Cross this one off the list as well. Nothing good can come of sharing this with your child (unless your 3 day old is thinking about getting married, then you can use it as a cautionary tale).

As we close this week of nursery rhymes, I can't help but think of the whole "Balloon Boy" saga that unfolded a few days ago. I'm still not sure what transpired, but you can bet that in the year 2210, children everywhere will be told about it in rhyme as they prepare for bed.

There was a young family

Who built a balloon

The dad wanted fame so badly

He didn't know what to do

So he grabbed his small boy

And put him in a box

Launched the balloon

And alerted the cops

When the balloon landed

The boy was not there

The neighbors all worried

He'd died in the air

As the townspeople gathered

Filled with sorrow and pain

The boy did appear

Saying "Twas all just a game"

Nursery Rhymes are Terrifying...part 4

Oops. I missed a day. So that means today we get a double dose of rhyming terror. Keep your children at bay. This post is rated MG-17 (that's Mother Goose 17).

The first of this double feature of frights is from 1765. "Jack and Jill"

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down and broke his crown

And Jill came tumbling after

Two innocent kids, just setting out to do what I assume to be their chores. This could be a good lesson for children, if only we left it at the first two lines. But nooooo....the rhyme has to add in a completely unnecessary "no good deed goes unpunished" element by causing Jack to crack his skull, and Jill to come falling after him. This makes the story a less than ideal motivator for getting your kids to help out around the house. It's just too dangerous. Much better to lounge around and play video games.

Next we have the 1805 story of "Old Mother Hubbard".

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone;
But when she came there
The cupboard was bare,
And so the poor dog had none.

She took a clean dish
To get him some tripe;
But when she came back
He was smoking a pipe.
She went to the grocer's
To buy him some fruit;
But when she came back
He was playing the flute.

She went to the baker's
To buy him some bread;
But when she came back
The poor dog was dead.

She went to the undertaker's
To buy him a coffin;
But when she came back
The poor dog was laughing.

She went to the hatter's
To buy him a hat;
But when she came back
He was feeding the cat.

The dame made a curtsey,
The dog made a bow;
The dame said, "Your servant."
The dog said, "Bow wow!"

So this one is probably better classified as "crazy in the head", than scary. It appears to tell the story of a dog that dies during a drug-induced, flute playing accident; only to resurrect himself so that he may laugh uncontrollably while feeding a cat. Someone needs to tell Mother Goose to put down the bottle of Grey Goose.

Nursery Rhymes are Terrifying...part 3

Skipping ahead a few more years, we find ourselves in 1794, with "There Was an Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe"

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe

She had so many children, she didn't know what to do

She gave them some broth without any bread

Then whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed

Sounds to me like the original "Kate Plus Eight.", only without TLC's money to provide for the family. I kind feel for the old gal, all those kids and obviously no money. But if you can only afford broth for your kids, then you shouldn't have had that many to begin with. Or is she withholding the bread as some sort of punishment? I can't tell. If so, that's terribly cruel. Not the kind of bedtime story you want to read your kids for sure. A story that ends with a sound whipping for no given reason only instills fear. And you want your kids to love and respect you, not fear you....even if you have too many of them and can only afford to live in a shoe. You hear that Kate...I'm talking to you!

Nursery Rhymes are Terrifying...part 2

For our next installment, we'll move ahead a few years to 1765 with the classic lullaby "Rock A Bye Baby"

Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree top

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall

And down will come baby, cradle in all

So this seems more like a veiled threat than a lullaby of comfort and solace. Basically, you're saying, "Shut up kid, I'd hate for that bough to break and see you come tumbling from the treetops." And who in the world puts cradles in trees in the first place. I'm pretty sure DCS will haul off your kids for that. The title itself alerts us to the rhymes' sinister intentions. It says "bye baby" right there in the title and first line. So pick a new lullaby for your kids, it's a cruel enough world as it is. The last thing they need to worry about as they drift off to sleep is that they're going to come crashing out of a tree.

Nursery Rhymes are Terrifying...part 1

For reasons unknown to me, I have been reading nursery rhymes lately. I'm not sure if I never noticed, or just didn't care, but nursery rhymes are terrifying. So, as we approach halloween, I hereby declare this week "Nursery Rhymes are Terrifying" week. Each day, I will post a terrifying nursery rhyme for your consideration. If you are a parent of a young child, please protect them by not ever reading any of the rhymes I discuss in the days to come.

For our first installment, we'll be looking at a nursery rhyme that dates back to 1744. "Sing a Song of Sixpence"

Sing a song of sixpence

A pocket full of rye

Four and twenty blackbirds

Baked in a pie

When the pie was opened

The birds began to sing

Wasn't that a dainty dish

To set before a king

The king was in his counting house

Counting out his money

The queen was in the parlour

Eating bread and honey

The maid was in the garden

Hanging out the clothes

When down came a blackbird

And snapped off her nose

Hmmmm.....where to begin. I guess I'll start with the blackbirds. I'm not sure what kind of bionic feathered demons these birds are; but if they can stand 45 minutes at 350 degrees and live to sing about it, I sure as hell don't want them set anywhere near me. And these winged terrors are apparently quite vindictive, and have no qualms taking out there anger on innocent bystanders...that poor maid, just out doing some laundry. She had no idea what was coming.

Then there's the king. I don't know whether to feel sorry for him, or blame him. Either he was the recipient of a horrific practical joke and faced the horror of cutting into what he thought to be a delicious pie, only to have 24 screeching birds fly out; or he's some sick, twisted, ruler that feasts on living animals. In either case, the way he was able to simply move on from the experience and start counting money says something about his character.

And, of course, we have the queen. This glutenous wench seems oblivious to the horrors around her. Her husband is chowing down on living birds, her maid is being attacked, and all she cares about is feasting on her precious bread and honey. Hardly a role model for the kids.

So we have fireproof birds, sadistic kings, selfish queens, missing body parts...and this is a story we are supposed to tell our kids at bedtime? This has been going on since 1744, I don't think we can blame television and video games for warping our children's impressionable minds anymore.

All I Ever Needed to Know, I Learned from Noah's Ark

It's been a remarkably warm and sunny summer here in Seattle, but in sympathy and support for those back in the southeast who have been battling a fierce bout of rain, I decided to list the 12 things I've learned from the story of Noah's Ark.

1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Be careful not to piss off those infinitely more powerful than you are.
3. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
4. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
5. Stay Fit. When you are 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
6. Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
7. Build your future on high ground.
8. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
9. Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board along with the cheetahs.
10. When you're stressed, float a while.
11. Remember, the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
12. In the middle of a storm, know there's a rainbow waiting at the end.

X-Factor

I started watching this show last year. It's along the lines of American Idol, America's Got Talent, etc. The first two episodes of the season have aired and some of the performances have been pretty amazing. I've posted my favs so far below (in ascending order).

First we have Rozelle Phillip. She has a bubbly personality, soulful voice, and that "wow, I didn't think she would be any good" vibe that these types of shows seem to be loving lately.

Next up is Daryl Markham. While his voice isn't super-fantastic, his story is packed with emotion. At the end of the clip, I literally burst into tears. Totally inspiring.

Then there's Jamie Archer. Aside from the super-funky afro, he had an amazing ability to get the crowd into his performance and actually had Simon singing along.

Joseph McElderry takes the number 2 spot so far. Likable, cute, and the kind of melt-your-heart voice that I love.

And my fav for the first two episodes is Danyl Johnson. Incredible voice, even more incredible stage presence, the swagger, the looks. I'm not sure what an "x-factor" is, but he's definitely got it. Simon said it's the best first audition he's seen in his 9 years of judging these types of competitions.

Addicted to Cash

For all of you that crave cold, hard, cash...never fear. You're not struggling with the deadly sin of greed. As it turns out, you're addicted to cocaine. In a recent study conducted by the University of Massachusetts' Yuegang Zuo (and presented last Sunday at the 238th National Meeting of the American Chemical Society in Washington DC) it was found that traces of cocaine taint up to 90% of paper money in the United States. The bills become contaminated with cocaine through contact during drug deals, directly through drug use (via methods such as snorting through rolled bills), and through contact with other tainted bills in banks' currency-counting machines.

The amount of cocaine present varied from .006 micrograms (several thousand times smaller than a grain of sand) to over 1,240 micrograms (around 50 grains of sand). Washington DC had the highest incidence of contamination with over 95% of the bills testing positive, while the cocaine averse mormons led their mecca, Salt Lake City, to have the lowest average levels.

This seemed surprising to me, so I decided I should test the findings myself. First, I threw a couple one dollar bills into the blender until they reached a snortable, powder-like consistency. To ensure that the bills I were using would indeed be laced with cocaine, I made a quick trip to L.A. and asked dear, sweet, addicted, Lindsay Lohan for change for a five.

So I would have something to compare the experience against, I also took some cash and ran down to Nordstrom to purchase a pair of shoes--resisting the urge to sniff the bills on my way, so as not to cloud the results.

I recorded my findings using the patent pending 100 point Nathan Pleasure Scale. So you have a frame a reference, previous tests have found that watching the musical "Wicked" from orchestra level seats scored a 91, while cleaning spoiled milk from a refrigerator scored a 6.

Snorting the dollar bills wasn't a particularly pleasant experience. Aside from the headache, the nosebleed, and the three day sneezing fit, it didn't have much effect. I didn't find myself craving more cash to snort, I wasn't cruising the streets seeking out my cash dealer, and wasn't wasting all my hard-earned cash on cash. Meeting Lindsay Lohan didn't really provide any measurable benefit either--total trashbox. As a result, the experience scored a 9. Slightly better than the spoiled milk, but a far cry from a night at the theatre.

On the other hand, the shoe shopping experience scored a 76. I found myself gleefully perusing the myriad assortment of fanciful footwear--which, in and of itself was quite pleasant. And I was like a kid in a very expensive candy store when I stumbled upon a must have pair of totally rockin' Marc Nason loafers. I made the purchase and felt a high that no five-dollar habit of snorting five dollars can provide.

So it would appear that I'm not addicted to the cash itself after all. I was way to willing to exchange it for something of more tangible benefit. I'm not sure if this throws me back in the deadly sin of greed category, but if so, I'll be easy to recognize. I'll be the corpse with the kick-ass footwear.

I found this little program that takes all the words in your blog entry, and makes a graphic representation of them--with more frequently used words represented in a larger font. Totally useless for the most part, but I think I might start including one of these at the end of every post. Sort of a summary that throws word order to the wind.

Fox News Cartastrophe

I saw this map on a colleagues facebook page (thanks, Shari) and, of course, I had the same reaction I’m sure you are having…”OMG, Fox News has hired Sarah Palin to run their graphics department—perhaps she wanted Egypt closer to Alaska so she could see it from her house.” (Silly girl, you kinda moved it farther away.) I did some checking, though, and it turns out that wasn’t the case. Not even Fox News is crazy enough to hire her—which is saying quite a lot, they hired Bill O’Reilly.

Perhaps, then, something more nefarious was in the works. Could it be an effort to erase the missteps of the Iraq war from their viewers’ minds? How could there be an Iraq controversy if there isn’t an Iraq? Or maybe this was some sort of Nostradamus-esque warning…”leave too soon, and look what happens.” A cursory reading of the book of Revelations ruled out an Egyptian occupation of Iraq as a sign of the end times, so I threw that concept out.

Maybe this is just being “fair and balanced”. I mean, Iraq has been in the spotlight for a while now. Fox must have thought Egypt needed some time in the limelight. Or maybe Egypt really is there, and we occupied it instead. That wouldn’t be so bad. The pharaohs make Hussein look like a pussy cat. It’s high time we take out their ability to build monuments of mass destruction. And, I can only imagine the treasures we could uncover in the pyramids. Who needs black gold when you can have the real deal? I just hope we are more successful at finding that than we were at finding WMD’s.

Then, there is always the chance that this was an honest mistake by well-intentioned Fox News staffers. I have to say, this would be a bit encouraging. I’m much more tolerant of them accidentally relaying misinformation than their usual MO of intentionally relaying misinformation. And if that is the case, and the good folks at Fox really don’t know where Iraq is, we all owe poor Miss Teen South Carolina a HUGE apology. Turns out, she was right all along. Apparently, US Americans are unable to do so, because…uh….some people out there in our nation don’t have maps.

Banned In Bama

The Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board recently told stores and restaurants to quit serving and selling "Cycles Gladiator" wine, because it found the label (which features a stylized art-nouveau rendition of a nude female with a flying bicycle) violated Alabama rules against displaying "a person posed in an immoral or sensuous manner."

Since the news of this story broke, visits to the website of Hahn Family Wines (the company that produces the wine) have increased tenfold. The increased interest this national exposure (pun intended) has generated has led the company to develop a marketing campaign featuring in-store displays that carry the slogans "Banned In Bama" and "Taste What They Can't Have in Alabama."

Great press for the wine label, lousy press for Alabama! I guess there are two things that bother me about the decision here. First, (and maybe it's just me and my mind is so filled with filth and so utterly corrupted) I don't find the label particularly sensual. And I would be hard pressed to find the act of nude cycling immoral (not that I am myself an avid nude cyclist).

Secondly, the label is from a popular 1895 French poster considered classic art by many. Originals of this poster sell for as much as $50,000. And while nude art seems to bother the ABC Board, other eintities of the Alabama government aren't as concerned. Museums across the state carry postcards from the Alabama Tourism Department that feature a photo of a 19th century nude statue. And Alabama's Capitol has two historic paintings that feature several topless female Indians. And, of course, there's Vulcan, the iron statue whose ass is prominently visible from much of the suburb of Homewood.

So, it seems like the "law" can be interpreted pretty loosely. And it's ironic that of several entities of the government that seem to disregard the rule, the booze board is the one that has decided to take the moral high road. That's good...there's nothing worse than a perverted drunk.

Seattle All Time Heat Record

Seattle broke an all time heat record today with a high of 103 degrees. The previous record for downtown was set in July of 1941. 103 is 26 degrees hotter than the average for July, 29. It's hot for sure, especially considering most people don't have air conditioning in their homes. Thankfully, I do. It's a comfortable 68 in my condo. The heat wave is supposed to last through the weekend. We are under an "excessive heat warning" until next week. Not sure if it's the heat or what, but I'm in a funk and am a bit homesick. I need to snap out of it though.

I like that phrase--"Snap out of it." If only it were that easy. Whenever we are feeling blah, wouldn't it be great if we could just snap and return to "happy-go-lucky." It's a pity it's not that easy. I need to find Mary Poppins. She used the snapping to clean up toys; maybe she has a version for this. Or perhaps the seven dwarves have a whistling routine for it. Although I'm not that good at whistling...so maybe that wouldn't help after all.

I saw this and thought it was pretty funny, and then turned even more ironic. It doesn't have anything to do with this post, but I like posts with videos, so here one is.

Anyway, this was a rambling rant, but at least it was a post.

Until the next one, (and I suppose even after the next one) take care.

Down with Denny's & Carbonated Milk

The Center for Science in the Public Interest, a consumer activist group, filed a suit against Denny's last Thursday for not doing enough to warn their customers about the dangerously high sodium content in some of their menu items. According to the group, most Americans should have a maximum daily sodium intake of 1500 mg. Many of the items on their menu have over twice that amount. The Meat Lover's Scramble, for example, has 5,690 mg of sodium--379% of the recommended daily amount.

Umm, it's Denny's...what did you expect? Celery sticks and carrots? I've seen the types of people that frequent the place and a sodium content label on the menu wouldn't exactly discourage this group from digging in. My guess is it would more likely have the opposite effect, driving them into a fierce salt consumption competition to see who can get their heart to stop the soonest.

And as for not doing enough to warn the customers about the high sodium content; if a patron can't tell for themselves that the Meat Lover's Scrambler might have an exorbitant amount of sodium based on the fact that it consists of two eggs with chopped bacon, diced ham, crumbled sausage, cheese, plus two bacon strips, two sausage links, hash browns, and two pancakes, then their sodium intake is the least of their problems. The mental disorder surely trumps their heart condition. And what more could Denny's do, they even have a picture of the salt factory right there on the menu so the illiterate will know what they are getting into. No, I think the burden lies on the customer here. Again, they knew they were walking into a Denny's.

In even stranger food news, Coca Cola is launching a new drink containing skim milk, sparkling water, fruit flavoring, and cane sugar. Carbonated Milk? Now I love Coke, and I love carbonate beverages, but this is beyond bizarre sounding. Now I know what the Oompa Loompas at WIlly Wonka have been up to after Charlie ruined the plans for their Fizzy Lifting Gas. The new beverage is being marketed under the name Vio, and the launch campaign claims it tastes "like a birthday party for a polar bear". Thank God!...I've spent the last 30 years of my life wondering what a polar bear birthday party tastes like. Now I'll know. I imagine it's quite similar to the polar bear christmas party I tasted back in February. I'm curious as to whether the carbonation is added after milk is taken from the cow, or if they are pumping up a bunch of cows with CO2. Now that would make for an interesting exhibit at the World of Coke Museum.

We're having a heat wave in Seattle this week. Mid-90's. People are whining nonstop. It's all some can talk about. Most people here don't have A/C. I do. Those poor unfortunate souls. I should rent out floor space in my condo until the heat passes. I shouldn't be too cruel...winter is just around the corner and I'm sure I will be the one crying then.

Sayonara Sarah

Yesterday we had a parade in downtown.  Naturally I assumed it was in celebration of the resignation of Sarah Palin, so I went down to join the festivities decked out in a particularly fierce Palin costume.  I spent hours on my hair alone, wanting it to be spot on, so you can only imagine my surprise when I got there and everyone else was dressed in various forms of Pirate garb. Pirates...I was so confused.  Admittedly some people might not be comfortable dressing in drag, but they could have gone as John McCain, or at least a Russian.  But no, they chose pirates?  And they all chose pirates?  Was there something about Palin I didn't know?  Turns out, it wasn't a Palin Parade at all.  It was a pirate themed parade called "Torchlight" to ring in Seattle's annual "SeaFair" festivities.  Oh well, lesson learned.  

Nonetheless, today is the day that Sarah steps down from the high office of Governor of Alaska to pursue a full time career of fear-mongering, mean spiritedness, and wacky incompetence.  With new ethics probes on the horizon, mounting legal debts, and faltering popularity, she has decided that the current political landscape is not for her.  While I'm not a fan, I do have to give it to the girl, she made for one incredibly humorous election, and was singlehandedly responsible for the funniest season of SNL in recent memory.  

Who knows what the future holds for her.  She will no doubt make a bajillion dollars on the speaking circuit, gabbing incoherently to anyone crazy enough to listen.  And let's be honest, there are plenty of crazies out there who will.  I'm certain that NBC and Lorne Michaels are personally funding a re-election campaign for her in 2012...they haven't seen ratings like that in forever.  Perhaps she will make a go at the top seat in '12.  She could chose James Dobson as her running mate.  A "Focus on the First Family" of sorts.  For me, though, she will always be the Susan Boyle of American politics.  Brought out from obscurity, rushed into the national spotlight, impressing some, and then cracking under the weight on the popularity she had achieved.  

In her honor, I've posted two of my favorite Palin-esque videos.  Happy Palin Resignation Day to you all!

I'm Back, For Now Anyway

So, admittedly I have fallen off the blogging bandwagon, but I'm trying to climb back on again.  I'll blame it on trying to get settled in a new city, blah blah blah.  No excuses, I'm lame, I can admit it. This is actually my first post since being here in Seattle.  It's hard to believe I have been here 4 months already.  I'm enjoying it, but there are things I definitely miss about home (Cohen, if you have learned to read and are reading this, I mean you).  

Seattle is a gorgeous city.  The summer weather has been quite nice.  Next week it's actually supposed to be in the mid 90's.  Just like the Ham.  I absolutely love my condo.  It has an amazing view of the Pugent sound, the space needle, and random downtown hotels and banks.  It's a "green" building, which as far as I can tell means the A/C is some robot controlled device that I have yet to figure out how to work, and the toilets have 2 different flush modes- one with more water, one with less.  I guess I haven't gone completely green, though, as I seem to always use the more water flush.  I do use a reusable grocery bag, so they haven't threatened to kick me out yet.  All my appliances love to beep incessantly.  Leave the refrigerator door open, and it starts to chirp, when the dishwasher is done it emits a high pitched squeal until you open it, the washer and dryer beep each time it moves into a new cycle.  I'm not sure how that is more "green" but my power bill averages $15 a month so I'm not complaining.  

Work is fantastic.  There is something uniquely satisfying about what I do.  The only problem is that the office is on the edge of nowhere so the commute is a bit of a bitch, and it seems like everyone that works there, also live out there (there being Federal Way); so while there are some great people in my department, it never seems we hang out after work, and that makes meeting new people a bit of a challenge.  Oh well, I haven't been here that long, so I will still give myself some time to meet more people.  That being said, the few people I have met are super nice- there just needs to be more of them.

I think I'll close this post with a pop-culture update for the week, for those that have lives of their own and can't spend the time tracking the lives of others.  

The teaser trailer for Tim Burton's "Alice In Wonderland" was leaked this week.  From the looks of it, the movie should probably be called "The Mad Hatter In Wonderland."  It's not surprising, though.  It's a Tim Burton movie and the random girl cast as Alice obviously didn't look crazy enough to be the lead.

Lady GaGa appeared for an interview in Germany wearing a scarf of Kermit the Frogs. Somewhere in the world, Bjork is cursing her for finally trumping the ridiculous swan-costume thing she wore to the academy awards many years ago.  Lady Gaga is known for some wackiness for sure, but this may be too much even for her.  I imagine the folks at PETK (People for the Ethical Treatment of Kermits) are preparing a demonstration even as I type this. 

Michael Jackson's family is on the hunt to sue whoever was responsible for his death (umm, wouldn't that also be Michael Jackson); Mickey Rourke got drunk, stole a statue from a bar, fought a traffic barrier; and the star of USA's "Burn Notice" was arrested for drunk driving when he drove his car straight into a police car.  

Paula Abdul's American Idol future is still unclear as she has yet to agree on the terms of a contract extension.  She is reportedly holding out for more money.  Last season she earned $2 million, but since Ryan is now getting $15 million a season, she thinks she is worth more.  

Finally, while there have been a rash of sad celebrity deaths this season, perhaps the most tragic of all occurred today.  Alexis Cohen, of crazy swearing I hate Simon Cowell and American Idol fame, was found dead in what investigators are labeling a homicide.  I leave you with this tribute to her.  Godspeed, Alexis.  Your candle burned out long before your legend ever will.

American Idol Recap, Round 3

Well, I missed last week’s post due to some traveling, and as with the first week, I was 2 for 3 on my predictions. While I wanted Kris to make it through, I thought his lack of previous airtime would have done him in. Looks like I was wrong, though, and his cuteness compensated for his lack of previous exposure.

For this week, we were once again dosed with a healthy helping of the good, the bad, and the bizarre. That’s why we love Idol, right? This was a blander, more tame show, lacking the absolute train wrecks of Group 1, and lacking, well….the Norman Gentle of Group 2. It also lacked any real knock-out performances, though there were a few good ones.

Von Smith, whose name sounds like he’s a German rocket scientist, opened the night with Marvin Gaye’s “You’re All I Need to Get By”. He didn’t scream throughout the song, which made the performance okay, if not a little boring. He did supply us with an array of crazy faces, though, so we would know it was still him. The judges gave him mixed reviews, and compared him to Clay Aiken. Since Aiken made the number 2 spot, that should be a compliment, but Smith has neither the voice, nor the “aw-shucks” awkwardness that made Clay so lovable. It seems that this season, everyone has a sad personal story showcasing the obstacles they or their family have had to overcome; blindness, death of a spouse, single mothers, multiple personality disorders…we’ve had it all. And with one quick camera shot of the audience we learned of Von Smith’s family tragedy…his sister’s teeth. OMG! It was frightening, actually. Hopefully, Smith will take whatever money he makes from his Idol journey and get dear sis some veneers. As for his hopes, though, his progression seems doubtful. He was by no means the worst this week, but he won’t be making it through tonight. His wildcard odds aren’t all that great, either.

Next up, Taylor Vaifuna, with Alicia Keyes’ “If I Got You. It was an okay performance. Nothing to write home about, but also nothing that had me turning down the volume. The most notable thing about Taylor is that she looks to be about 12 feet tall. Since it’s not likely she will be with us in the top 12, perhaps she should have her agent (I’m sure they all have one by now) contact the WNBA.

Then came the night’s fun! Alex Wagner-Trugman graces the stage to perform “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues” by Sir Elton John. According to Alex, he’s been working out. Sure, Alex. So have I. Alex’s voice isn’t bad, but his dancing is perhaps the worst Idol has ever seen. It’s a rare cross between Kevin Covais and John Peter Lewis. Seriously, someone should tape his arms to his sides and nail his feet to the floor. He growls through parts of the song and I can’t help but laugh inside. Then, in a calculated “to cool for school” move, he rips the mike off the stand and appears to toss the mic stand down. That causes me to laugh outside. He claims it was accidental, I think otherwise. In any event, it was the greatest moment of the night. He’s funny, but I don’t think we will be seeing him around anymore. There are too many other guys that are much better.

Arianna Asfar, of “as cute as a button” fame, performed Abba’s “The Winner Takes It All”. It wasn’t great. The song seemed to drag on and on, and then on and on. And just when it was almost done, it drug on some more. The song has a few glory notes which Asfar was unfortunately unable to pull off. Simon said it sounded like he was at a funeral, it may well be Arianna’s Idol funeral. If the winner takes it all, I’m afraid Arianna will be left with nothing, well except for that cute as a button thing.

Ju’Not Joyner is next singing the Plain White T’s “Delilah”. This song has been all over this season in the earlier rounds, and I actually quite liked his performance. He’s loving him some Luther Vandross and it comes across in the performance. He went for a shot of sympathy, quite literally, when he revealed that he had just gotten a cortisone shot in the butt to help his voice. He apparently has asthma. We’ll see if that shot is enough to give him a shot in the top 12. This one could be close. If not tonight, he has some wildcard hopes.

Then we have dear, sweet Kristen McNamara performing “Give Me One Reason to Stay Here” by Tracy Chapman. The performance was pretty good, but not great, so she got the standby we like you but didn’t like the song choice with an added dash of “we don’t know who you are as an artist” for good measure. Kara loves that line and is starting to throw it out as often as Randy does “dawg”. She confesses to the judges that she doesn’t know how to dress and has trouble with her style. Honey, we know that…but admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. There were better and worse female performances so she won’t be making it through tonight. She may have give the judges enough reasons to let her stay here, though, so we’ll see if she makes a wildcard appearance on Thursday night.

Nathaniel Marshall sings “I Would Do Anything for Love” by Meatloaf. It wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be (as for some strange reason I like the song). Adam Lambert would have performed this song much better. He still had what I’m guessing he’s hoping to become his signature head-band on, and that lead to more discussion about the head band than his performance. I’m not sure what the fascination with the head-band is, really. His outfits are always much worse than the head accessories. If he hopes to pull off the emo, punk look he’s trying for, then he needs to lose about 30 pounds. He’s as full of cheeseburgers as he is drama. The tight jeans and tops on his figure are not in the least bit flattering. He won’t be making it through tonight but he’s quirky enough that the judges may let him perform again on Thursday.

Felicia Barton should just be happy to be here. Squeaking by due to the disqualification of Pacitti, she was already on her second life. She looks kind of a mess with her bad hair and flashy dress, but the performance isn’t as bad as her look. She sang “No One” by Alicia Keys. I don’t think she had the vocals to make it through tonight, and doesn’t really have the personality to make it in the wildcard. This cat only has 2 lives. Sorry.

Scott MacIntyre sang Bruce Hornsby’s “Mandolin Rain”. It was a good performance and let’s face it, he could have come out there singing like Nick Mitchell and still made it through. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but he’s blind. Definitely the best obstacle overcoming story in the history of idol. Not even the kid who nearly lost his voice during a tracheotomy can top it. What most impressed me during the performance was that he didn’t look too blind. The camera team did a great job making it appear he was working the cameras. Paula commented “I want America to see you play and sing.” Kind of a mean thing to say to a guy that can’t see. He’s as good as gold to make it through tonight, though. And if not, the judges will definitely place him in the top 12 by way of the wildcard.

Following Scott comes Kendall Beard. This girl’s country with a k. In other words, kuntry. She sings Martina McBride’s “This One’s for the Girl’s”. Well, this one was for the girls that like country indeed. The vocals were decent, and each season has to have its country girl. She won’t make it through tonight, but has a good wildcard chance thanks to sticking to her country music vibe.

Jorge Nunez takes the stage to perform “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”. This song has been performed by two of my Idol favorites, Clay Aiken and David Archuleta, in the past so I had pretty high expectations. Jorge didn’t disappoint. It was good. There was banter back and forth about his accent, blah, blah blah. Then, as the discussion turned to his being “born to sing”, Jorge bursts into tears of happiness and all America cheered him on. I like the guy. I want to trim his eyebrows (or rather have someone trim his eyebrows) but aside from that, yea Jorge! I think he has a good chance to make it through tonight. If not, I’m praying for a wildcard return.

Finally, in the spirit of saving the best for last, Lil’ Rounds hops up and sings Mary K. Blige’s “Be Without You”. It was very good. The judges went wild about it. Paula made the pun of the night saying she thinks we will see her for many more “lil rounds”. I groaned. I wanted to tell Paula to keep her day job, but I don’t really want that either. As a side note, this girl might be the definition of ghetto booty. Yikes! Perhaps a name change is in order as those rounds ain’t so little. Regardless, she was clearly the best female vocal and is a shoe-in for the top 12. But seriously, Lil, let’s change the name.

Who should make it through based on last night’s performances- Lil Rounds, Ju’Not Joyner, Jorge Nunez.

Who I want to make it through based on who I want to make it through- Lil Rounds, Ju’Not Joyner, Jorge Nunez.

Who I think will make it through based on America’s vote- Lil Rounds, Jorge Nunez, Scott MacIntyre.

Let the Voting Begin

Well, the time has come for the voting portion of American Idol to begin and this season, the producers have shaken things up a bit, giving us 36 finalists to whittle down to 12.  Breaking them into three groups of 12, one group performs per week, and the top girl, guy, and next highest vote recipients advance to the final 12.  The wildcard round is also back, allowing the judges to select 12 from the 27 scorned contestants to give them a second chance to perform for our votes, where and additional 3 will be selected.  This means that unlike previous years, there will not be an equal number of guys/girls heading into the final 12.  More importantly, since only three of each group in the early rounds advance (as opposed to the bottom two being eliminated) it means the contestants have to dramatically adjust their game plan from years past.  In the past, the goal of the early rounds was to simply not be the worst.  With the change in format this year, however, the early round contenders must actually be the best in order to move on.  Playing it safe early on was the way to go last year.  This year, that tactic will spell disaster.  And it's a good thing that contestants were trying to be the best (and not the worst) last night, because based on last nights performances the contest to see who was the worst would have been a much harder race to call.  

Starting off the night was Jackie Tohn, singing Elvis Presley's "A Little Less Conversation" and clad in ridiculous black lycra pants with an oversized red belt thing.  The performance was spastic and bizarre.  A "fun" performance at a stage of the competition where fun just isn't enough.  She most likely won't make it through tonight, but I think her spunky personality will cause the judges to bring her back in the wildcard round.  

Next up was Ricky Braddy.  Yes, I said Ricky Braddy.  What, you've never heard of him?  That's okay, neither have the 20 some odd million other people watching last night.  It's as if he appeared out of nowhere.  Did this guy even audition?  Well, knowing that he was an "unknown" candidate and that it has spelled ruin for others like him in previous seasons, he did what he had to do and picked a song that everyone would remember...wait, no, he picked a song almost as unknown as he was, "A Song for You" by Leon Russell.  He actually did quite a good job.  Unfortunately, his lack of past airtime and his early appearance in the nights roundup is going to do him no favors.  He's another one that I don't think will make it through tonight (although I think he should), but has some hope to be a wildcard pick.

Alexis Grace was up next singing Aretha Franklin's "I Never Loved A Man".  Previously, the judges told her she needed to "dirty herself up".  So here she was, with a little pink added to her hair ready to bring on the superficial "edge" she had been lacking.  I thought it was good. It was sultry and soulful, like a song heard in a smoky bar.  My brother, in fact, said the performance made him want to smoke.  The judges thought it was great, comparing her to Kelly Clarkson.  She has little competition from the rest of the female performers last night, so her chances of making it through are pretty good.  

Up next, Brent Keith with Jason Aldean's "Hicktown".  Uggghhh!  Not even the hicks will like this performance.  The song had about three notes, and while some of the judges praised him for going with his country roots, I could only praise him for finding a way to actually make me like country music less.  This guy is as good as gone.  Back to the home improvement warehouse for him.  Hopefully he can find an audience there in the chains/metal fasteners department.

Then came Stevie Wright.  While several of the performances before her were bad, she had the honor of bringing the night's first train wreck with "You Belong with Me" by Taylor Swift.  The key was way too low for her, she sounded as if she had just completed a marathon, and looked like she might actually throw up onstage.  I'm not sure whether it was nerves or lack of talent that did her in, but her ship has sailed.  Bon voyage, mon ami.

Anoop, wanting to keep it fun and upbeat according to his recorded monologue package, does the complete opposite with "Angel of Mine" by Monica.  If this is fun and upbeat, I bet this guy is a blast at parties.  The problem is, I actually think he would be a blast at parties.  He seems much more lively and likable than this song let on.  Vocally it was pretty good, it just was like drinking a cup of sleepy-time tea.  I want Anoop to make it.  I don't think he will tonight, but I have hopes for a wildcard comeback.

Casey Carlson takes the stage singing "Every Little Things She Does Is Magic" by the police.  It was as if someone had put a little spell on her the way she hopped, posed, and winked throughout the song.  And the vocals were downright terrible.  This was quite possibly the worst performance in a night full of bad performances.  It was awkward to watch, and worse to listen to.  For a brief moment, I wished I was Helen Keller.  The judges crucified her.  Her train just collided with Stevie's and among the carnage was the 20 million Americans who just watched.

Then we have America's favorite Roughneck, Michael Sarver performing the idol stand-by "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw.  I like the guy, but he needs to either lose a little weight, or not move around so much.  The dancing was a tad bizarre.  The performance was almost ok, but America likes this guy so much that almost ok could be enough to send him through.  If not, he's a shoe-in for the wildcard round.  Simon actually encouraged people to vote for him! Roughnecks across the nation rejoice.

Bringing the second Aretha number of the night is Anne Marie Boskovich.  She sang "Natural Woman".  It wasn't natural.  I'm not even sure Ms. Frankin's inaugural Christmas bow hat could have saved this performance.  It wasn't as bad as Casey's, but nowhere near good enough to get her through.  According to the judges, the song was too big for her.  Based on that performance, I'm inclined to think "I'm A Little Teapot" might also be too big a song.  Bye bye Boskovich.

Stephen Fowler tackles Michael Jackson's "Rock with You".  It was a strange performance that left me feeling like I was being serenaded by Tim Meadows' The Ladies Man.  It stank so bad, in fact, that if Michael Jackson were listening, what's left of his nose might have fallen off.  Stephen has been the king of second chances.  There won't be a third.

Then comes the main event.  It's what we've been waiting for all night.  Tatiana Del Toro.  She sings Whitney Houston's "Saving All My Love for You" and my worst fears become a reality.  It's actually quite good.  Maybe the best female vocal of the night, even.  Stranger than her good performance, however, is the fact that she seems almost human and not like a cartoon character.  The judges don't know what to think and neither do I.  But, between the good performance and the backing of the "Vote for the Worst" crew, I think she stands a good chance of advancing to the top 12.

Rounding out the night is Danny Gokey.  This guy has a heart wrenching story, is loved by America, has a great and totally unique sound, and performed Maria Carey's "Hero" near flawlessly.  The judges were crazy about him, I was crazy about him, the camera man cut to a shot of his supporter/fellow Idol wanna' be Jamar crying, the planets aligned with the sun, manna came down from the sky, Israel made peace with Palestine, and the Dow Jones soared to 11,000.  Forget Idol, I'm voting for Gokey for President in 2012.  

Who should advance based on last nights performances: Ricky Braddy, Danny Gokey, Tatiana del Toro.

Who I want to advance based on who I want to advance: Danny Gokey, Anoop, Alexis Grace

Who I think will advance based on America's vote: Danny Gokey, Tatiana del Toro, Michael Sarver