The Crazies, The Crazies, They Came in By Twoosie Twoosies

That's right, my friends, the Ark Park story is back…and just when you thought it couldn't get any nuttier.  This project is a true gem, one that I look forward to providing me with fodder for many months to come.  It is to religious satire what Sarah Palin is to political satire. 

As I posted in a previous entry, an Old Testament theme park, complete with life-size replica of Noah's Ark, is being constructed in Kentucky.  Well, a blogger in Kentucky thought he would also have some fun with the story so he posed some questions to the developers of $150 million dollar attraction.  Namely, will the ark have dinosaurs?  The answer….Yes!  But not only that, there will be dragons!  That's right, dragons.  According to Answers in Genesis, the people responsible for the project:

"Being land animals, dinosaurs (or dragons of the land) were created on Day Six (Genesis 1:24–31), went aboard Noah’s Ark (Genesis 6:20), and then came off the Ark into the post-Flood world (Genesis 8:16–19). It makes sense that many cultures would have seen these creatures from time to time before they died out."

Oh boy.  Does Answers in Genesis have a paleontologist on staff?  How about an anthropologist?  Maybe a zoologist?  Heck, even a proctologist should be able to help them out with this one.  Land dragons running around with humans 4,000 years ago?  Sigh.  Well. this is at least good news for Pete.  Sad to say it spells trouble for the Gogans, though.

Well we've got dragons on board now, how about Falcor?  I mean if Pete gets his mythological buddy, why can't Atreyu?  

Someone needs to warn Noah, though.  If he thought termites, carpenter ants, and woodpeckers were going to give him some trouble in a structure made entirely of wood; a pair of fire-breathing dragons will spell disaster.

But why stop there, let's add in some hobbits for good measure.  And how about some Dr. Seuss creatures--those Truffula Trees aren't going to speak for themselves you know.  And maybe some unicorns too…wait…they are going to have unicorns.  The Answers in Genesis site says:

"Some people claim the Bible is a book of fairy tales because it mentions unicorns. However, the biblical unicorn was a real animal, not an imaginary creature.  To think of the biblical unicorn as a fantasy animal is to demean God’s Word, which is true in every detail."

Seriously?  Rainbows?  Unicorns?  This place is one Cher performance away from being a whole other kind of park.  

I can't wait to see what other stories develop from this. In the meantime, I'm getting my pink My Little Pony, Cheerilee, and heading off to Kentucky.  I don't want her to get left behind.

Taking the Sin out of Cinema

By now, everyone knows that I’m a raging right-wing fundamentalist.  In fact, if it weren’t for some pesky zoning laws and tax-code issues I would have franchised Westboro Baptist Churches across this great, God-fearing land.  So you can easily imagine my delight when I came across the “ClearPlay” DVD player.  Essentially, it’s a DVD player that filters out all the horrible, objectionable materials in today’s movies and allows you to watch them with a clear conscience. 

The one reason I don’t have kids is I can’t stand the thought of raising them in a world as filthy and hedonistic as ours--fearful that they won’t be able to turn around and look back at the neighborhood as they head to preschool lest they become a pillar of salt.  Well, thanks to ClearPlay, we are on the road to societal recovery.  Now I can procreate without worrying that Jasmine and Aladdin will seduce my children with their revealing clothing and well-toned bodies.  Confident that Pochahontas will no longer have them praying to some “blue corn moon.”  That’s right, with this DVD player from heaven, families will be able to watch any movie they want without fear of corrupting their souls.  Don't believe me, just visit their site: www.clearplay.com.

The way it works is really quite simple.  You purchase the device and visit the website to download filters for the movies you want to watch.   Some poor lost soul at ClearPlay HQ has sacrificed his innocence to watch all the movies and log objectionable content.  You transfer that data from your computer to your “filter stick”.  You then slowly insert the “filter stick” into the hole on the front of the device to deposit the filtering information.  (The demonstration video leaves this part out because their filters found the insertion to be too suggestive.)  A miniature Pat Robertson or James Dobson contained in each device then uses that information to alter the playback of the movie. 

I, of course, rushed right out and bought one.  It was only $119, plus $8 dollars a month for a subscription to the content filters.  And let me tell you, my spiritual life is already improving.  But it’s also a huge time saver.  After removing the implied marital sex, intense action/adventure, war themes, non-graphic injury/wound, intense battle sequence, smoking, murder topic, implied premarital sex, threatening dialogue, intense life/death situations, disaster themes, alcohol consumption, bar/club environment, revealing clothing, fantasy/sci-fi action, intense thematic elements, suicide, criminal themes, gangster themes, and mob themes, the ridiculously long “Avatar” is a manageable 26 minutes.  I will spend all the time saved in prayer and devotion. 

So tonight, as I sit down to watch “Glee”, finally free of the non-sensual/non-crude sex talk, implied premarital sex, suggestive dancing, drug references, revealing clothing, homosexual/lesbian characters, dysfunctional relationships, and implied extramarital sex, I do so with a heart hopeful for the future…and with one request.  In a future release of the ClearPlay player, could the edited out scenes be replaced with clips from the 700 Club?  Then all would be right with the world—scratch that—all would be righteous with the world.

Oh Noah They Didn't!

The church where my parents attend has a fairly elaborate children’s building with ornate painted caricatures and large cut-outs of animals and Noah that it calls Noah’s Park.  The church is quite proud of it, and rightfully so, they sunk a bit of change into constructing it.  Well, it looks like some folks in Kentucky are going to best them with the construction of “Ark Encounter”, a life sized replica of the ark.  

The ark will serve as the centerpiece of a $150 million, 800 acre, for-profit, theme park in Northern Kentucky.  According to their website www.arkencounter.com, “The Ark Encounter will be an immersive, historically themed experience for the whole family focused on having fun while learning about history. It is not an amusement park. It will feature a number of daily live performances, as well as live special events. It will also include “edu-tainment” aspects–educational and entertaining experiences within each attraction.”

 It’s not an amusement park?  Crap!  I was looking forward to an ark themed “Flying Dutchmen” ride.  Lack of rides, aside, the project is a pretty ambitious one…and one that I’m not quite sure I’m “on board” with.  While I’m fully accustomed to the monetization of Christianity, it seems like there could be far better uses of $150 million in living out the message of Christ than building this Disneyworld meets Liberty University attraction. 

As you might expect, the centerpiece of the park will be the ark itself.  Ark Encounter describes the attraction as “A full-size Ark, built to biblical dimensions. Guests will be able to tour the Ark and be immersed in the times of the Bible through highly themed scenes and presentations. This walk-through of the Ark will enable each guest to gain an understanding of how it could have been built, and how Noah, his family, and all of the representative kinds of land animals were cared for, and then survived on board for 370 days of the Flood and its aftermath. “
 

Now, when you think of the story of the ark it’s easy to conjure up images of furry animals, doves, and rainbows.  But don’t forget about that whole global annihilation part too.  How exactly will the attraction handle that?  Will guests get to smell the horrific stink that must have been present from having thousands of animals in one enclosure?  Will they be able to hear the screams of men as they claw at the structure for life trying to get inside as the waters rise?  Will children be able to see the faces of the mothers treading water while trying to keep their infants’ heads above the waterline?  There is nothing cute or whimsical about the true story of the ark.  It’s a tale of global destruction.  It’s the most nightmarish tale in the history of the world.  But go ahead, bring the kids.  Just make sure you live somewhere very, very, dry…because every time it starts to rain at your house, your kiddos are going to feel a panic like none they’ve ever known.  Sweet dreams!
 

But wait, there’s more.  The park will also feature The Walled City.  “This 14-acre area depicts the lifestyle of the people of Noah’s day. It includes period shops, restaurants, and venues that bring to life the city and times in which Noah lived, including his house.”  
 

Am I the only one that thinks this may be a worse idea than the ark itself?  The people in Noah’s day were so wicked that God felt it necessary to destroy the whole world, right?  So I imagine this town would make Amsterdam look like Vatican City.  Not exactly what I would consider family friendly.  I’m not sure what sort of restaurants and period shops are going to be showcased here, but to experience it all as a family, you might want to go ahead and get your kids a fake ID.
 

But don’t worry; it’s not all Brothels and graven images.  The park also has Noah’s Animals.  “This fun area will provide Ark Encounter guests with the opportunity to learn more about some of the animal kinds that were on the Ark. This area will be similar to a petting zoo, complete with barns, a petting animal area, an open grazing area, a stage for daily live animal and bird shows, and lots of meet-and-greet areas for close-up encounters with unique animals and birds.”
 

Sounds harmless enough.  Just don’t let the kids get too attached to the animals.  They’re out here, not on the ark.  Wait, come to think of it, neither are you.   Crap.  Hope you invested in those swimming lessons.
 

Rising above the park will be a 100’ replica of The Tower of Babel.  Am I missing something?  Wasn’t the moral of the story of The Tower of Babel to not build a Tower of Babel?  At any rate, I’ll be investing in a Rosetta Stone kiosk at the base of the structure.  Seems like it might come in handy. 

Ark Encounter has their work cut out for them.  They anticipate the park being completed in the spring of 2014, and expect to attract 1.6 million visitors a year.  That puts it on par with the attendance of a mid-sized Six Flags.  Whatever motivates people to visit, I have but one closing suggestion.  As you’re leaving the giant, gated, walled complex built by investors more interested in profits than sharing Christ’s love…don’t turn around and look back.   I’d hate for you to literally become “salt of the earth.”

North Korea + Male Prostitues = The End of the World

I’ve long believed that there are two types of crazies in the world.  The first, much more common kind, is the type many of us sometimes fall into—and the type we all run into on a daily basis.  This type is made up of people like those who think Sarah Palin would make a good President, or those who don’t believe there were dinosaurs—generally well intentioned, just misguided in some of their beliefs.  Then there’s the second type.  The certifiable “voices in the head” crazy.  They’re the ones we “commit” and send to treatment, although they can be much less dangerous than the first kind.  

Today, I ran across a video from a whole new type of crazy.  In many ways it’s a dangerous combination of the first two, the type that might hear Sarah Palin’s voice in their head…but with a whole new crazy added on top.  I call this type the “William Tapley” crazy.  Just watch.

I hope you made it through the whole thing, but I fully understand if you weren’t able to.  For that reason, I have provided a brief summary (with commentary, of course). 

The speaker, William Tapley, introduces himself as the “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse”.  I’m not well versed enough in the end times to know who the other two eagles are.  I’m guessing one of them is Kirk Cameron.  He is also the “Co-Prophet of the End Times”.  How’s that for a title?  Suddenly, Director of Conversion Optimization doesn’t sound so fancy.  
 

 Last week, it would seem, was a super important week for those obsessed with the end of days.  North Korea fired shots on South Korea, which according to Tapley is the start of World War 3.  Now I know what you’re thinking…couldn’t that just be some saber rattling on the part of North Korea?   Well, Tapley has his bases covered.   The shots were fired on 11/23.  And the numbers 11 and 23 are evil numbers.  The Co-Prophet would know, he’s been looking for evil numbers.  

  The number 2 stands for man, the number 3 stands for God.  As a result, the number 23 puts man before God.  That’s bad.  And if you divide 2 by 3, you get…wait for it….666.  If doesn’t take an apocalyptic eagle to know that number’s bad news.  As for the number 11, well that’s a “homosexual number”.  Really?  I could have sworn it was 69.  Oh well, live and learn.  The guys at gay bingo are going to be very disappointed to hear this, though.  He doesn’t explain why 11 is a gay number here, but mentions that he has covered it in other postings.  It would seem that in order to be “William Tapley” crazy, you have to be a prolific youtube poster and I didn’t have the stamina to watch the hundreds of videos to find out. 

 So what, you might be asking yourself, North Korea fires some shots on an evil gay date.  That doesn’t mean the world is coming to an end.  Well, it just so happens that in the same week, the pope allowed the use of “some forms of condoms for male prostitutes.”  Some forms?  What forms?  Extra-large? Flavored? Textured?  My guess is that it’s the kind below.

 Taking us to the “Tribulation Timeline” Tapley explains that leading up to the midpoint of the tribulation, aka the “Abomination of Desolation”, the Holy City will be trod under foot for 42 months.  The Holy City is not Jerusalem, he explains, but rather Rome and the Vatican City.  With the conditional allowance of condom use by Pope Bennedict, the trodding has begun.  This will cause Catholics to flee from their church for 1260 days.  This places the “Abomination of Desolation” on April 13, 2014.  I’ve gone ahead and had t-shirts printed.  Not only is this a Palm Sunday, but its an unusual Palm Sunday.  On this date, it just so happens that the Orthodox and Christian church both celebrate Palm Sunday.  Convinced yet?  Well you should be.  What better day for the antichrist to make his appearance than the day both Jews and Christians celebrate Christ’s triumphal entry.  

  He goes on for a bit about Catholics fleeing the church, and then lets us in on one last little gem of a secret.  Airport scanners are a precursor to the mark of the beast.  I knew I saw little horns on the head of that TSA agent at SEATAC.  

 People talk crazy all the time.  It’s this guy’s conviction that makes it so frightening.  He might as well be telling us that unicorns dressed as smurfs are going to break into our homes and steal our pez dispenser collections….but he does it with unquestionable certainty.    And that is the true hallmark of “William Tapley Crazy”

The Looneys Visit Seattle

It's been forever since I last posted, and I feel ashamed for that. I'm gonna try and do better. But I've decided to post now and I can't think of a better reason than the family's trip to visit me in Seattle. The last four days I've had the privilege of playing host to my parents, middle brother, and his wife on a trip they made here to the Emerald City for my birthday.

I had a blast (I hope they did too). We started off the time on Thursday afternoon with a few hours at the Market. I've been there a number of times, but this was the first time I had spent any length of time there. I was honestly a little shocked at how big it was. I was even more shocked at the strange assortment of items sold there. Fruits, vegetables, flowers, books, toys, magic tricks, art, all manner of small porcelain figurines...basically an open air Fred Meyer (minus the mattresses and garden tillers). My collection of small, glass, kitten collectibles has needed some updating and I'm happy to now know where I can turn to beef up the display. Huge sigh of relief.

Friday was city tour day. It started with a quick trip out to World Vision (I think my mom wanted proof I had a job there), then a tour of Seattle's underground. The underground tour was fascinating...and was made even better by our tour guide. Witty, sarcastic, mildly inappropriate; if it wasn't for the fact that she was either a lesbian or a straight dude, we could have built a beautiful life together. Then there was the duck tour. Ummm....Micheal wanted to do it, and we all went along for the ride. Cheesy is too mild of a word to describe it, but that's all I can come up with at the moment. I'm not sure where they dig up the tour guides, or at what point in a person's life they say to themselves "you know what, I'm gonna throw all sense of shame, self respect, decorum, and hope for the future to the wind and become a duck tour guide." I took the tour, though, and can now at least check it off some sort of list. We also took the obligatory trip to the top of the space needle. It is what it is.

Saturday we took the ferry out to Bainbridge Island. The weather was immaculate, the views from the ferry were gorgeous, and the quaint shops on the island were fun to wander in and out of. We ended up spending more time there than we anticipated, but it was nice to just relax and wander.

Sunday was a relaxing day of doing nothing in particular during the day. That night, my parents and I went to see Cirque du Soleil's "Kooza". The show was stunning. If you live in Seattle, go see it. I'll say it again...go see it. It's less whimsical and imaginary than some of their other shows, but it packs in the acrobatics.

The best part of the weekend, though, was simply getting to spend some time with the family. Absence truly can make the heart grow fonder and this weekend I was struck once again by how much I love them. It's a little funny, but on paper my family shouldn't work. My sister-in-law is a coupon nazi while I spend way more than I should. My middle brother loves sports while I adore musical theatre. My youngest brother is a studied philosopher while I'm addicted to pop culture. My dad is a practical engineer while I'm an eccentric online marketer. My mom is a conservative evangelical who sees things in black and white, and I hold to a more liberal theology comfortable with shades of gray.

We disagree on aspects of theology, politics, culture...you name it. But in the end, for each of these, the areas in which we agree are more important than the areas we disagree. And I think that's why our family actually does work. We try our best to accept our differences while embracing our similarities...knowing that in the end we have what truly matters, each other's love.

American Idol: Road to Hollywood Recap

The last audition episode before Hollywood is a cornucopia episode of all manner of auditions. I imagine some will be good, and some will be bad. Perhaps the good will outnumber the bad, but I’m not hopeful. It is, after all, the early rounds…a place schadenfreude reigns supreme. (Schadenfreude, by the way, is happiness at the misfortune of others.)

Jessica Furney has auditioned before, and not made it. This time she decides to sing a song co-written by Simon, “Footprints in the Sand”—clever girl. Simon loves the song, and likes the voice too this time. I liked it too. So that’s 5 yes votes.

The next contestant, Amanda Schectman, tells us she does all kinds of voices. We start off by hearing her impression of Britney Spears. It’s more like what we thought Nicci Nix from last night would sound like. She can also talk with her mouth closed. If this doesn’t work out for her, she can take her ventriloquist skills to “America’s Got Talent”. Her voice is good, better than Jessica’s before her. The judges don’t like the way she connected with them. Simon makes fun of how overdramatic she is (and it’s actually pretty funny) but gives her a yes anyway. She’s going to Hollywood.

Next up is guitar-toting Lee Dewyze singing “Ain’t No Sunshine”. I like it. Crystal Bowesox performs “Take A Little Piece of My Heart.” It’s good too. They both make it.

Lacey Brown made it to top 50 last year, but Meghan Joy beat her out. She goes at it again this year singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. I don’t think it’s great, but the judges (probably regretting their decision with Meghan Joy) give her another chance.

Stephanie Fisher is auditioning for the 7^th time. 7 is her lucky number. She was born on the 7^th of the month, weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces, and has 7 in her street address. She says she has a huge crush on Simon. Her audition is bad, real bad. Seventh time is not a charm. Posh tells her she has a “definite” look. That’s a back handed compliment if I’ve ever seen one.

Rachel Hubbard is amazing. Best vocal tonight. Then comes Thadeus Copeland, who is equally amazing. Genesis Moore is also really good, but not as good as Rachel or Thadeus. Wow, this episode is shaping up quite nicely.

Adrian is 17 years old and 6’8. He has a squeaky voice and looks like a monster from a Pixar movie. He’s a swimmer who describes himself a beautiful man flower. One who will blossom and blossom and keep blossoming. His voice needs to blossom some more for sure. They judges say he’s a sweet guy, which is their way of saying he’s a lousy singer.

Micheal Lynche is a 26 year old personal trainer. His arms look to be the size of my waist. He says “We just found out we’re going to have a baby girl, but everyone thinks its going to be a boy, so…we’re going to find out”. Wait…find out what? I thought you found out is was going to be a girl? He sings “Unchained Melodies” . Kara calls him a singing teddy bear, and they all give him a yes.

Didi has the first sob story of the night, and it’s 37 minutes into the show….wow, they must have used up all the other sad clips in the earlier auditions. She sings “Hey Jude”, and I like it. She breaks down in tears. The judges encourage her and put her through to Hollywood.

Aaron Kelly had a rough start to his life. For reasons we’re not clued in to, he leaves his parents to live with his aunt and uncle. Guess I was wrong about the sob stories, they just were saving them up for the end. He sings “The Climb”, and the judges like it. I think he’ll get the David Archuleta votes. He’s adorable, actually. Love his personality, kind of timid…but not awkwardly so.

Kimberly Bishop is a scary looking gothic creature who delivers the line of the night. “I would be a great pop singer because I have a really big heart. And I would be into recycling, and kids in Africa.” Awww, honey, that doesn’t make you a pop singer, that makes you a Seattle dwelling World Vision employee. She sings “I Kissed a Girl”. More like chants monotone-ly. She gets no’s.

Shaddai Harris’ mom had a vision when she was pregnant that her daughter was going to be a singer. Turns out it was probably just indigestion. This girl’s no good. It’s a no.

Hope Johnson comes from a big poor family. But she didn’t know she was poor growing up. She did know that her brother cried when she was hungry so she would take food from her lunch tray at school home to him. What a sweetheart…I love this girl. Her voice isn’t great, but the judges give her a pass to Hollywood.

So the auditions are done. Up next is Hollywood, and newbie judge Ellen. I CAN’T wait. Until then, I’ll busy myself recycling and helping kids in Africa.

Best Female Vocal: Rachel Hubbard
Best Male Vocal: Thadeus Copeland
Prettiest Girl: Lacey Brown
Hottest Guy: Michael Lynche
Best Personality: Aaron Kelly
Best Overall: Hope Johnson

American Idol: Road to Hollywood Recap

The last audition episode before Hollywood is a cornucopia episode of all manner of auditions. I imagine some will be good, and some will be bad. Perhaps the good will outnumber the bad, but I’m not hopeful. It is, after all, the early rounds…a place schadenfreude reigns supreme. (Schadenfreude, by the way, is happiness at the misfortune of others.)

Jessica Furney has auditioned before, and not made it. This time she decides to sing a song co-written by Simon, “Footprints in the Sand”—clever girl. Simon loves the song, and likes the voice too this time. I liked it too. So that’s 5 yes votes.

The next contestant, Amanda Schectman, tells us she does all kinds of voices. We start off by hearing her impression of Britney Spears. It’s more like what we thought Nicci Nix from last night would sound like. She can also talk with her mouth closed. If this doesn’t work out for her, she can take her ventriloquist skills to “America’s Got Talent”. Her voice is good, better than Jessica’s before her. The judges don’t like the way she connected with them. Simon makes fun of how overdramatic she is (and it’s actually pretty funny) but gives her a yes anyway. She’s going to Hollywood.

Next up is guitar-toting Lee Dewyze singing “Ain’t No Sunshine”. I like it. Crystal Bowesox performs “Take A Little Piece of My Heart.” It’s good too. They both make it.

Lacey Brown made it to top 50 last year, but Meghan Joy beat her out. She goes at it again this year singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. I don’t think it’s great, but the judges (probably regretting their decision with Meghan Joy) give her another chance.

Stephanie Fisher is auditioning for the 7^th time. 7 is her lucky number. She was born on the 7^th of the month, weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces, and has 7 in her street address. She says she has a huge crush on Simon. Her audition is bad, real bad. Seventh time is not a charm. Posh tells her she has a “definite” look. That’s a back handed compliment if I’ve ever seen one.

Rachel Hubbard is amazing. Best vocal tonight. Then comes Thadeus Copeland, who is equally amazing. Genesis Moore is also really good, but not as good as Rachel or Thadeus. Wow, this episode is shaping up quite nicely.

Adrian is 17 years old and 6’8. He has a squeaky voice and looks like a monster from a Pixar movie. He’s a swimmer who describes himself a beautiful man flower. One who will blossom and blossom and keep blossoming. His voice needs to blossom some more for sure. They judges say he’s a sweet guy, which is their way of saying he’s a lousy singer.

Micheal Lynche is a 26 year old personal trainer. His arms look to be the size of my waist. He says “We just found out we’re going to have a baby girl, but everyone thinks its going to be a boy, so…we’re going to find out”. Wait…find out what? I thought you found out is was going to be a girl? He sings “Unchained Melodies” . Kara calls him a singing teddy bear, and they all give him a yes.

Didi has the first sob story of the night, and it’s 37 minutes into the show….wow, they must have used up all the other sad clips in the earlier auditions. She sings “Hey Jude”, and I like it. She breaks down in tears. The judges encourage her and put her through to Hollywood.

Aaron Kelly had a rough start to his life. For reasons we’re not clued in to, he leaves his parents to live with his aunt and uncle. Guess I was wrong about the sob stories, they just were saving them up for the end. He sings “The Climb”, and the judges like it. I think he’ll get the David Archuleta votes. He’s adorable, actually. Love his personality, kind of timid…but not awkwardly so.

Kimberly Bishop is a scary looking gothic creature who delivers the line of the night. “I would be a great pop singer because I have a really big heart. And I would be into recycling, and kids in Africa.” Awww, honey, that doesn’t make you a pop singer, that makes you a Seattle dwelling World Vision employee. She sings “I Kissed a Girl”. More like chants monotone-ly. She gets no’s.

Shaddai Harris’ mom had a vision when she was pregnant that her daughter was going to be a singer. Turns out it was probably just indigestion. This girl’s no good. It’s a no.

Hope Johnson comes from a big poor family. But she didn’t know she was poor growing up. She did know that her brother cried when she was hungry so she would take food from her lunch tray at school home to him. What a sweetheart…I love this girl. Her voice isn’t great, but the judges give her a pass to Hollywood.

So the auditions are done. Up next is Hollywood, and newbie judge Ellen. I CAN’T wait. Until then, I’ll busy myself recycling and helping kids in Africa.

Best Female Vocal: Rachel Hubbard
Best Male Vocal: Thadeus Copeland
Prettiest Girl: Lacey Brown
Hottest Guy: Michael Lynche
Best Personality: Aaron Kelly
Best Overall: Hope Johnson

American Idol: Denver Recap

Denver hosts the next stop in the Idol Audition tour. Denver was the audition birthplace of Chris Daughtry so we of course are shown a little Daughtry montage. Posh Spice is once again guest judging. This may be the pot calling the kettle black, but Posh could stand to gain a little weight. She looks like a bobble-head doll.

The first auditioner is Mark Labriola. People tell him he looks like Jack Black. He tells us he likes cheese and as a child he was “on the run” with his mom. Some confusing banter about the location of various kids ensues. Mark sings good. Posh is pleasantly surprised. All the judges say yes.

We watch a clip about people being nervous, and then we meet Mario who has a nervous laugh. He’s dressed like a homeless militant sorcerer. He sings a laughable version of “Jailhouse Rock”. After plenty of nervous laughing, the judges tell him it’s a no. Hahaha.

A clip of foul mouthed audition rejects plays. Lots of people seem to punch the camera—which seems painful. Kimberly Kerbow is another mom with a cute, sassy kid. So far this season, cute, sassy kids have been beneficial to aspiring idols. I think she’s cute. Her voice is pretty good. The judges all give her a yes.

A montage of good performers follows, but as usual, we don’t hear any of their singing. Danelle Hayes is dressed like a hot mess. She says she’s a wreck…well, she’s dressed for the part for sure. Her voice is raspy and powerful. The judges like her and she gets four yes votes.

Casey James was in a motorcycle accident and was told he would never play the guitar again. He plays it, even though it causes him pain. He sings and Simon doesn’t like him at all. He’s cute, but boring. Kara asks him to take off his shirt. Well, that’s weird. He makes it to Hollywood.

Tori Kelly brings a gaggle of kids with her to the audition. One of them comes into the audition and passes out drawings of the judges. Tori has a good voice. So far, it’s the best female voice of the audition. Simon didn’t like the voice, but the other judges disagree and put her through.

On day two of the audition, we meet Austin Paul. He studies music composition and plays football. He gives us a brief lesson in long-snapping. When he talks, he seems retarded. When he sings, he deepens that suspicion. All the judges thought he was cocky. The judges try and take him down a notch, but he still thinks he could be a star. Not on Idol.

Male Mary J. Blige (aka Kenny) is up next. When he sings, he brings community together. Perhaps together in opposition to ever having to hear him again. All the judges tell him no, but he launches into another song. It’s also very bad.

Nicci Nix has the most annoying speaking voice I’ve ever heard…like Minnie Mouse on speed. I don’t think her singing voice is too much better. Posh likes her attitude, skin, and look. Randy loves her, Kara loves her, Simon likes her. I don’t get it. I thought it was ok at best.

Haley Vaughn is lucky to be alive. She was born premature and weighed just two pounds. Big deal, I weigh that now. She wants to be the first black, pop, country mainstream singer. If you add enough adjectives to a noun, you can be the first of anything. I think she’s on to something here. The judges like her voice and her bubbly personality. I like the personality too. She’s going to Hollywood. While I wasn’t blown away by her voice, there’s something about her I really like.

Denver closes with an homage to bikini girl. This serves as an introduction to bikini boy. All the judges walk out on him…good call.

Best Female Voice- Tori Kelly
Best Male Voice- Mark Labriola
Cutest Girl- Kimberly Kerbow
Hottest Guy- Casey James
Best Personality- Haley Vaughn
Best Overall- Haley Vaughn

American Idol: Dallas Recap

Idol visits the Lonestar State for the sixth stop on the audition tour. Dallas, Texas. The guest judge for day 1 is none other than Neil Patrick Harris. I love me some Neil Patrick Harris. So from the outset, I’m pretty happy.

First up is Julie Kevelighan. First off she looks ridiculous in a sparkly blue-green outfit with loads of green eye shadow…basically an ugly mermaid. She sings terribly. It’s as if Ursula finally got her revenge on Ariel and turned her into this. Instead of judging her performance, the judges critique the sign she carried into the audition. Unfortunately for her, the sign is just as bad as her voice. She not going to Hollywood.

Lloyd Thomas is dock worker. He’s pretty funny, actually. He’s got a good Reuben Studdard-esque voice (not that it’s worked out too well for Reuben), and the judges give him a golden ticket.

Kimberly Carver decides to sing an original song. Original songs (as I have mentioned before) have been the kiss of death in the past. This season, though, they seem to be a sure fire way to make it to Hollywood. Randy and Kara like her, Simon doesn’t. Neil Patrick Harris decides to be precocious and says yes to piss Simon off.

Dexter Ward is a disaster. Imagine Tracy Morgan playing a gay guy on 30 Rock, and that’s what you’ve got here. Everything about this guy is wrong. The judges tear the audition to shreds and he starts to cry. I’m not moved.

Erica Rhodes used to be an actress on the show “Barney and Friends”. She feels the need to show everyone that she’s all grown up so she does what I do when I need to show people the same thing…she dresses up like a dominatrix. The judges ask her to sing the theme song from Barney. She does, in full dominatrix attire. Not sure what kind of “happy family” Barney and the gang had back in the day, but he must be one tough dinosaur. The whole thing is super strange, but the judges are impressed enough to put her through.

Then we meet Dave Pittman. Dave has Tourettes syndrome. Umm…last week we had a girl that couldn’t move half her face and this week we have a guy with Tourettes? Is this American Idol or Ripley’s Believe It or Not? He does a good job, and I keep wondering if anyone is gonna mention the Tourettes. It’s kinda awkward. Neil Patrick Harris breaks the ice, though, and calls it out. Thanks Neil! The judges give Dave a golden ticket. He’s going to Hollywood.

For day 2 in Dallas, the judges are joined by guest judge Joe Jonas. He says less than 10 words the entire show. Joe, we get it, you’re hot. But you gotta contribute something to the show, my friend.

Todrick Hall is the first performer in front of the judges for day two. He used to sing in the Color Purple. He’s cute, and has a nice vibe about him. He sings a super corny original song about the judges, but because this is the year of the original songs, he makes it through anyway. I actually really liked his voice, but wished he had sung a real song.

We see a montage of yes votes, and then meet Meghan Wright. This girl is a fashion disaster, but cute in a disastrous kind of way. She reminds me of that quirky Meghan Joy from last season. The judges like her voice and send her to Hollywood.

Vanessa Johnston makes me want to punch a hole in a wall. She stays positive, evidently by dressing in ridiculous pink and purple outfits. She’s high on pep, but very low on talent. She keeps that positive attitude even as the judges ridicule her performance. You go girl!

Christian Spear is a cancer survivor. She’s 16 so Randy has to exclaim that he can’t believe that she’s only 16. I think she’s the best female vocalist of the night. Not that the competition was particularly steep. So Christian survives cancer and the audition process…and I survive the Dallas episode. All in all, this one was a pretty good one, with the highlights listed below.

Best Female Voice: Christian Spear
Best Male Voice: Todrick Hall
Prettiest Girl: Kimberly Carver
Cutest Guy: Todrick Hall
Best Personality: Lloyd Thomas
Best Overall: Christian Spear

American Idol: Los Angeles Recap

Ameican Idol is in its hometown of Los Angeles for the 5^th stop on the audition tour. The guest judge for the first day is Avril Lavigne. She’s wearing a hoodie with devil horns, which is a little strange. But what’s even stranger is that she keeps the hood up during the auditions. It’s tough to pull off the horned hoodie, and I’m not sure Avril has what it takes to do it.

The first contestant is Neal. Neal is a tall, awkward looking nerd. This means that unless he’s Clay Aiken, he’s not going to be going to the next round. He tells us he’s into pretty much everything…books, music, you name it. What he’s not into, evidently, is a matte foundation. Seriously, I can see Simon’s refelction in this guy’s face. As expected, he is lousy. He says the judges are making a mistake and he’s not going to leave. I’m excited that we might get to see another guy get cuffed, but he finally acquiesces and heads out on his on.

The next contestant is Jim Ranger. Like many Idol hopefuls before him, he’s a worship pastor. He sings an original song, which is usually the kiss of death. But, because Idol loves them some worship pastors, he gets a ticket. Avril makes some weird comments and votes no, but the other judges prevail.

A series of lousy performers follow. Then we meet Damien. He’s a martial artist who is also a pacifist. He makes sandwiches, apparently pepperoni is popular. He can’t remember the name of the song he’s gonna sing. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to forget how utterly horrific his voice is.

Some cute kids bring us back from the commercial break, and then we meet mommy Mary. Mary has a female rocker vibe. Simon likes the voice, but says she’s cliché’. They all give her a yes.

AJ Mendoza is an Adam Lambert wannabe. He’s rockin’ Lambert’s hair, he’s wearing Lambert’s clothes. He tries to sound like Lambert. He fails. It’s painful to listen to. Avril can’t help but burst out laughing. I can’t help but burst out in tears. Why would anyone subject themselves, let alone me, to this torture.

For day two, Katy Perry is guest judging. This should be interesting.

Austin is the kind of guy that would bring people onto the stage, and wouldn’t care if people touch him. Those are his words, not mine. He’s wearing a plastic red and striped shirt, and some coordinating plastic pants. It’s the ugliest thing I’ve seen in a long while. He sings a Cheap Trick song, and it’s predictably bad.

Another segment of no’s and I start to question if we’re going to see anyone that can sing. We meet Andrew Garcia, who’s a dad who’s focused on the bigger picture. His parents were gang members who wanted a different life for their son. Andrew is good. Simon is glad they met each other. I’m glad we finally got to see someone who can sing. After four yes votes, he makes it through.

Tasha is a personal assistant by day, and a minister by night. She’s amazing. The judges love her. The LA ministers are 2 for 2.

Jason Greene is a 21 year old who wants a golden ticket and believes in magic. He sings “I Touch Myself”. This would be frightening coming from any singer, but coming from this guy it has an extra special level of creepiness. His creepiness wears off on Kara and she makes puppy faces at the guy. He finishes singing and he and Simon engage in some awkward gay banter. Katy says he makes her feel dirty, he says Katy is dirty. He gives Ryan his number. Ryan passes it off to a big bear of a security guard, who strikes a pose. This whole thing was strange. Have the audition rounds always been this bad?

Chris Golightly has never had a family of his own. He’s been in and out of foster homes…25 of them to be precise. That averages out to be 1.5 families a year. I think the foster care system needs an overhaul, that just seems cruel. You know what else needs an overhaul? Chris’ hair. Seriously, it looks awful on Justin Guarini, and it looks awful on you. His story is a bit sad and Ryan channels Dr. Phil for a brief moment before Chris sings for the judges. It’s a good performance I think, but Simon and Katy seem unimpressed. Katy tells Chris this isn’t a lifetime movie. Obviously not. No abusive husbands have been killed by their wives yet. In the end, Chris gets a golden ticket.

Overall, this episode was another strange one that left me fairly unimpressed. But since I feel obliged to pick favorites (it’s in my nature) I’ll list a few below.

Best Female Voice: Tasha Layton
Best Male Voice: Andrew Garcia
Prettiest Girl: Tasha Layton
Cutest Guy: Chris Golightly(and it’s a stretch)
Best Personality: Mary Powers (her kid was quirky)
Best Overall: Tasha Layton

American Idol: Orlando Recap

For the fourth stop on the Idol Audition tour, we visit sunny Orlando, Florida. Only amazing things can come from the Magical Kingdom, right? Well, we’ll see. The show starts off on a high note for me when Kristin Chenoweth appears as the guest judge. I love, Love, LOVE Kristin Chenoweth. Everything about her makes me smile.

The first contestant we meet is Theo Glinton. Covered in glitter and sparkles and draped in silk curtain panel, one only has to open their eyes to know this isn’t going to go well. He looks like the illegitimate love child of Lady GaGa and Cedric the Entertainer. He obviously doesn’t make it.

Seth Rollins starts the night’s round of sob stories. He’s the father of a child with Autism. I’m trying to determine if what it is “hard times” that compels people to audition for the show. As Seth goes into the audition room, his son starts crying, not wanting him to leave. If your son is getting this worked up over not seeing you for five minutes, imagine how heartbroken he will be if you ship it off to Hollywood for months. Am I the only one that thinks that’s cruel? Seth has a pretty good voice and gets his golden ticket. Too bad for the kid.

Jermaine Purifoy is back for a second try. He willingly admits he wasn’t good enough his first time around. He sings “Smile” and it’s really quite good. The judges all give him a pass.

Shelby Dressel has a condition that keeps her from moving the right side of her face. Since Greta Van Susteren has cornered the market on news anchors that can’t move part of their face, Shelby decides to give Idol a go. She’s ok vocally, but her story is really moving. Lucky for her, that moving story is enough to move her to Hollywood.

To start the second day of Orlando auditions, we meet Jay Stone. Kristin Chenoweth is no longer there to judge so I’m already a little bit sad. Jay doesn’t help. He’s basically Blake Lewis part 2, but don’t you dare tell him that. According to him, he’s bringing something new that the competition has never seen before. Randy points out the similarity to Blake, and Jay is quick to respond. “He wasn’t doing what I’m doing. He wasn’t singing and beat boxing simultaneously.” Umm….that’s because when you do them simultaneously, no one can tell what the hell you’re saying. There’s something about this guy I just don’t like, but Kara persuades enough of the judges to put him through. I miss Kristin already.

Cornelius Edwards, the next contestant, learned how to dance from his stripper friends. That’s not a joke, those were his words. Halfway into his performance of “Proud Mary” he falls into a split that rips his pants. Not a small rip, a full on crotch rip. He stands back up with his pants flapping about and the judges quickly send him on his way…to Hollywood. WTF? How in the world? Next season, look for a barrage of pants ripping antics to entice the judges.

Like a contestant from the previous episode, sisters Bernadette and Amanda DeSimone live in a hair salon. Is that a new thing now? Am I missing out? I like to be up with the times so if everybody is moving into hair salons, somebody let me know. Kara asks the girls is they are from New Jersey. They respond by asking if the hair gave it away. No. The fact that they look like tweaked out tranny hookers from “Jersey Shore” gave it away. They sing, and it’s ok. Then they go into full out begging mode as the judges appear undecided. “We’re ready to work” declares Bernadette. Dear, I have no doubt of that. You certainly look like you work hard for the money, so hard for it, honey. The judges all say yes, and these trashboxes make it to Hollywood.

Jarrod Norrell seems drunk in his video segment. He elects to sing “Amazing Grace” cause he’s “gotta give it to God.” It’s gut wrenching. When told he isn’t making it through, he refuses to leave the judges room and the next thing I know I’m watching an episode of “Cops”. The guy is hauled off in cuffs. Bad boys, bad boys, watcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when they sing for you.

For the final act of the night, we meet Matt Lawrence. Like so many contestants, he also has a story of tragedy he’s trying to turn to triumph. In high school, he robbed a bank with a BB gun and has to spend four years behind bars. At least he didn’t shoot his eye out. Matt sings well, but the sob story is kinda annoying. Sure, you spent some time in jail, but now you manage your daddy’s trucking company. Hardly a tragic end. Did you meet the girl from earlier? You know, the one that can’t move her face? Now that’s tragedy. The judges like his voice and his genuineness and give him a pass.

The Orlando episode was low on talent and high on antics. Spilt pants, handcuffs, paralyzed faces…one of the more colorful collection of contestants. This, is American Idol.

Best Female Voice: Shelby Dressel
Best Male Voice: Jermaine Purifoy
Prettiest Girl: I guess one of the Jersey Girls
Hottest Guy: Wasn’t One
Best Personality: Seth Rollins
Best Overall: Matt Lawrence