Dewone Robinson starts the night off in style. Really. Bad. Style. He sings an original song, and if there is one thing that the previous 8 seasons of audition rounds has taught us, it’s that an original song is the quickest way not to go to Hollywood. The song is called “Lady, We’re Not Together Anymore” and after hearing Dewone sing, it’s clearly evident why.
Keia Johnson tells us she likes to enter beauty contests. She also tells us she never wins them…well, at least she’s honest. She did win miss congeniality once, but in my opinion that’s the one award you’re better off not winning. She breaks my cardinal rule of American Idol and sings a Celine Dion song. And not just any Celine song, “My Heart Will Go On”. She actually does a good job and so the judges give her a pass. It’s doubtful she’ll win this contest, either…but maybe, just maybe, Idol will institute a Congeniality Idol award.
A couple of nameless singers make it through and then we meet Jermaine Sellers. He’s a church singer, a la Kris Allen. He also brings us the first sob story of the night. His mom has a spinal condition that he has to help her with. Kind of a lame sob story, but he’s cute and has a good voice. I like the guy, the judges like the guy, he’s going to Hollywood.
There haven’t been any contestant that just caused me to groan in loathing up until the next girl. Christy Marie Agronow. She hosts a cable access television program called “411 The Show”, and has this annoying and not at all clever hand motion she does when she says 411. She says she wants to get everyone doing it. I say I want her to jump off a bridge. When she gets in front of the judges she starts talking to them as if she is announcing her platform for the Miss America competition. God, she’s annoying. She also happens to be a terrible singer. The judges tell her it’s a no.
The show is in Atlanta. Atlanta is in the south. So you knew at some point we would meet an unbelievably country, redneck, hillbilly. Vanessa Wolf is all that and a can of Spam. She’s from Vonroe, TN, where (speaking of jumping off bridges) she jumps off bridges…for fun. And we get to see a video clip to prove it…priceless. She says it’s the only thing to do there. Well, the only thing to do other than tipping cows, making babies, and cooking crystal meth I suppose. In her video segment she tells us the outfit she is wearing cost four dollar and fifty cent. What a bargain. Looking at it I would have guessed an easy $6.75. .” She sings with a country twang (surprise). I think it’s awful, the judges think it’s authentic. I think they are just looking for a country Susan Boyle, but this girl doesn’t have the voice. She makes it through nonetheless and I can’t help but pity the poor kids that will have to be in her group during Hollywood week.
Then, something I thought to be impossible occurs. We meet Jesse Hamilton. A contestant so filled with redneckery it makes Vanessa look like a runway model raised on Park Avenue. And just my luck, he’s from Alabama! Looks like I’ll be spending the next few weeks convincing my friends in Seattle that I did in fact grow up with paved roads and indoor plumbing. Jesse has almost died three times. The first time was when he “went limp as a dishrag” as a baby. Later in life, he almost died shooting pistols with a friend. And just two months ago, he was almost hit by a car. Mary can’t contain her laughter while he sings…it’s outstandingly bad. He doesn’t make it to Hollywood, which is sad. I was hoping he would hook up with Vanessa while they were out there. What a tragically simple couple they would make.
Holly Hardin comes in dressed as a guitar. Which means she is going to be terrible. The trouble is, she’s actually pretty good, which makes the guitar outfit all the more confusing. Good American Idol singers aren’t supposed to have costumes (with the exception of Adam Lambert, I guess), they are just supposed to sing. She reminds me a lot of Kelli Pickler, with a bubbly, over the top country personality. She makes it to Hollywood.
Then we have Mallorie Haley. She’s your everyday blonde with a good country voice. My favorite female voice of the night. I like her, Simon likes her, Mary likes her. She gets a golden ticket. She obviously doesn’t have much of a story. Too bad.
The crazy is back with Antonio Wheeler, aka Skii Bo Ski. He has the American Idol logo shaved in his head and has his nickname (albeit misspelled) on his shirt. This guy is a character. He sings “I Heard it Through the Grapevine”. It’s not bad, but it’s not particularly good either. Antonio delivers the line of the night when explaining why he should make it to Hollywood. “It’s a package deal, cause I’m like the dollar store. Cause even at the dollar store you can have everything you want in one package and it’s only a dollar. Cause I’m worth a lot.” Makes sense to me. The judges apparently buy the line (I’m guessing for a dollar) and send him to Hollywood.
Nothing is more awkward than when two singers sing in front of the judges forever. Usually, it means curtains for one of the singers. Such is the case with BFF’s Carmen Turner and Lauren Sanders. Neither one is particularly good, but just to make things awkward, the judges send one of them through. Then we see them out in the hall where the loser is insincerely congratulating the winner. Something tells me this friendship is about to come crashing down.
Bryan Walker is a police officer. He has awful hair. He sings “Superstar”. It’s ok. Since Simon has mysteriously disappeared from the judges table, he makes it to Hollywood. He won’t last long there I suspect.
Lamar Royal is one of those contestants that says he’s gonna respect the judges decision, then goes ballistic when they turn him down. I won’t spend much time on him, to save more room for what happens next.
To close out the night, we meet General Larry Platt, who delivers what will be the most memorable audition of the entire competition. His singing is terrible, he’s close to 70 years old, and he looks homeless. I don’t care. His song is priceless. And more than a few contestants in the show could heed his advice.
Pants on the ground, pants on the ground
You lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground
With the gold in the mouth, with your hat turned sideways
Pant hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat, lookin' like a fool
Walkin downtown with your pants on the ground
Get it up, pants on the ground
Lookin' like a fool, walkin' talkin' with your pants on the ground.
Get it up, hey, get your pants off the ground.
Best Female Voice: Mallorie Harley
Best Male Voice: Jermaine Sellers
Prettiest Girl: Mallorie Harley
Hottest Guy: Jermaine Sellers
Best Personality: Antonio Wheeler (as much as it pains me to say it)
Best Overall: General Larry Platt (even though he can’t go to Hollywood)
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