The Crazies, The Crazies, They Came in By Twoosie Twoosies

That's right, my friends, the Ark Park story is back…and just when you thought it couldn't get any nuttier.  This project is a true gem, one that I look forward to providing me with fodder for many months to come.  It is to religious satire what Sarah Palin is to political satire. 

As I posted in a previous entry, an Old Testament theme park, complete with life-size replica of Noah's Ark, is being constructed in Kentucky.  Well, a blogger in Kentucky thought he would also have some fun with the story so he posed some questions to the developers of $150 million dollar attraction.  Namely, will the ark have dinosaurs?  The answer….Yes!  But not only that, there will be dragons!  That's right, dragons.  According to Answers in Genesis, the people responsible for the project:

"Being land animals, dinosaurs (or dragons of the land) were created on Day Six (Genesis 1:24–31), went aboard Noah’s Ark (Genesis 6:20), and then came off the Ark into the post-Flood world (Genesis 8:16–19). It makes sense that many cultures would have seen these creatures from time to time before they died out."

Oh boy.  Does Answers in Genesis have a paleontologist on staff?  How about an anthropologist?  Maybe a zoologist?  Heck, even a proctologist should be able to help them out with this one.  Land dragons running around with humans 4,000 years ago?  Sigh.  Well. this is at least good news for Pete.  Sad to say it spells trouble for the Gogans, though.

Well we've got dragons on board now, how about Falcor?  I mean if Pete gets his mythological buddy, why can't Atreyu?  

Someone needs to warn Noah, though.  If he thought termites, carpenter ants, and woodpeckers were going to give him some trouble in a structure made entirely of wood; a pair of fire-breathing dragons will spell disaster.

But why stop there, let's add in some hobbits for good measure.  And how about some Dr. Seuss creatures--those Truffula Trees aren't going to speak for themselves you know.  And maybe some unicorns too…wait…they are going to have unicorns.  The Answers in Genesis site says:

"Some people claim the Bible is a book of fairy tales because it mentions unicorns. However, the biblical unicorn was a real animal, not an imaginary creature.  To think of the biblical unicorn as a fantasy animal is to demean God’s Word, which is true in every detail."

Seriously?  Rainbows?  Unicorns?  This place is one Cher performance away from being a whole other kind of park.  

I can't wait to see what other stories develop from this. In the meantime, I'm getting my pink My Little Pony, Cheerilee, and heading off to Kentucky.  I don't want her to get left behind.

Taking the Sin out of Cinema

By now, everyone knows that I’m a raging right-wing fundamentalist.  In fact, if it weren’t for some pesky zoning laws and tax-code issues I would have franchised Westboro Baptist Churches across this great, God-fearing land.  So you can easily imagine my delight when I came across the “ClearPlay” DVD player.  Essentially, it’s a DVD player that filters out all the horrible, objectionable materials in today’s movies and allows you to watch them with a clear conscience. 

The one reason I don’t have kids is I can’t stand the thought of raising them in a world as filthy and hedonistic as ours--fearful that they won’t be able to turn around and look back at the neighborhood as they head to preschool lest they become a pillar of salt.  Well, thanks to ClearPlay, we are on the road to societal recovery.  Now I can procreate without worrying that Jasmine and Aladdin will seduce my children with their revealing clothing and well-toned bodies.  Confident that Pochahontas will no longer have them praying to some “blue corn moon.”  That’s right, with this DVD player from heaven, families will be able to watch any movie they want without fear of corrupting their souls.  Don't believe me, just visit their site: www.clearplay.com.

The way it works is really quite simple.  You purchase the device and visit the website to download filters for the movies you want to watch.   Some poor lost soul at ClearPlay HQ has sacrificed his innocence to watch all the movies and log objectionable content.  You transfer that data from your computer to your “filter stick”.  You then slowly insert the “filter stick” into the hole on the front of the device to deposit the filtering information.  (The demonstration video leaves this part out because their filters found the insertion to be too suggestive.)  A miniature Pat Robertson or James Dobson contained in each device then uses that information to alter the playback of the movie. 

I, of course, rushed right out and bought one.  It was only $119, plus $8 dollars a month for a subscription to the content filters.  And let me tell you, my spiritual life is already improving.  But it’s also a huge time saver.  After removing the implied marital sex, intense action/adventure, war themes, non-graphic injury/wound, intense battle sequence, smoking, murder topic, implied premarital sex, threatening dialogue, intense life/death situations, disaster themes, alcohol consumption, bar/club environment, revealing clothing, fantasy/sci-fi action, intense thematic elements, suicide, criminal themes, gangster themes, and mob themes, the ridiculously long “Avatar” is a manageable 26 minutes.  I will spend all the time saved in prayer and devotion. 

So tonight, as I sit down to watch “Glee”, finally free of the non-sensual/non-crude sex talk, implied premarital sex, suggestive dancing, drug references, revealing clothing, homosexual/lesbian characters, dysfunctional relationships, and implied extramarital sex, I do so with a heart hopeful for the future…and with one request.  In a future release of the ClearPlay player, could the edited out scenes be replaced with clips from the 700 Club?  Then all would be right with the world—scratch that—all would be righteous with the world.

Oh Noah They Didn't!

The church where my parents attend has a fairly elaborate children’s building with ornate painted caricatures and large cut-outs of animals and Noah that it calls Noah’s Park.  The church is quite proud of it, and rightfully so, they sunk a bit of change into constructing it.  Well, it looks like some folks in Kentucky are going to best them with the construction of “Ark Encounter”, a life sized replica of the ark.  

The ark will serve as the centerpiece of a $150 million, 800 acre, for-profit, theme park in Northern Kentucky.  According to their website www.arkencounter.com, “The Ark Encounter will be an immersive, historically themed experience for the whole family focused on having fun while learning about history. It is not an amusement park. It will feature a number of daily live performances, as well as live special events. It will also include “edu-tainment” aspects–educational and entertaining experiences within each attraction.”

 It’s not an amusement park?  Crap!  I was looking forward to an ark themed “Flying Dutchmen” ride.  Lack of rides, aside, the project is a pretty ambitious one…and one that I’m not quite sure I’m “on board” with.  While I’m fully accustomed to the monetization of Christianity, it seems like there could be far better uses of $150 million in living out the message of Christ than building this Disneyworld meets Liberty University attraction. 

As you might expect, the centerpiece of the park will be the ark itself.  Ark Encounter describes the attraction as “A full-size Ark, built to biblical dimensions. Guests will be able to tour the Ark and be immersed in the times of the Bible through highly themed scenes and presentations. This walk-through of the Ark will enable each guest to gain an understanding of how it could have been built, and how Noah, his family, and all of the representative kinds of land animals were cared for, and then survived on board for 370 days of the Flood and its aftermath. “
 

Now, when you think of the story of the ark it’s easy to conjure up images of furry animals, doves, and rainbows.  But don’t forget about that whole global annihilation part too.  How exactly will the attraction handle that?  Will guests get to smell the horrific stink that must have been present from having thousands of animals in one enclosure?  Will they be able to hear the screams of men as they claw at the structure for life trying to get inside as the waters rise?  Will children be able to see the faces of the mothers treading water while trying to keep their infants’ heads above the waterline?  There is nothing cute or whimsical about the true story of the ark.  It’s a tale of global destruction.  It’s the most nightmarish tale in the history of the world.  But go ahead, bring the kids.  Just make sure you live somewhere very, very, dry…because every time it starts to rain at your house, your kiddos are going to feel a panic like none they’ve ever known.  Sweet dreams!
 

But wait, there’s more.  The park will also feature The Walled City.  “This 14-acre area depicts the lifestyle of the people of Noah’s day. It includes period shops, restaurants, and venues that bring to life the city and times in which Noah lived, including his house.”  
 

Am I the only one that thinks this may be a worse idea than the ark itself?  The people in Noah’s day were so wicked that God felt it necessary to destroy the whole world, right?  So I imagine this town would make Amsterdam look like Vatican City.  Not exactly what I would consider family friendly.  I’m not sure what sort of restaurants and period shops are going to be showcased here, but to experience it all as a family, you might want to go ahead and get your kids a fake ID.
 

But don’t worry; it’s not all Brothels and graven images.  The park also has Noah’s Animals.  “This fun area will provide Ark Encounter guests with the opportunity to learn more about some of the animal kinds that were on the Ark. This area will be similar to a petting zoo, complete with barns, a petting animal area, an open grazing area, a stage for daily live animal and bird shows, and lots of meet-and-greet areas for close-up encounters with unique animals and birds.”
 

Sounds harmless enough.  Just don’t let the kids get too attached to the animals.  They’re out here, not on the ark.  Wait, come to think of it, neither are you.   Crap.  Hope you invested in those swimming lessons.
 

Rising above the park will be a 100’ replica of The Tower of Babel.  Am I missing something?  Wasn’t the moral of the story of The Tower of Babel to not build a Tower of Babel?  At any rate, I’ll be investing in a Rosetta Stone kiosk at the base of the structure.  Seems like it might come in handy. 

Ark Encounter has their work cut out for them.  They anticipate the park being completed in the spring of 2014, and expect to attract 1.6 million visitors a year.  That puts it on par with the attendance of a mid-sized Six Flags.  Whatever motivates people to visit, I have but one closing suggestion.  As you’re leaving the giant, gated, walled complex built by investors more interested in profits than sharing Christ’s love…don’t turn around and look back.   I’d hate for you to literally become “salt of the earth.”

North Korea + Male Prostitues = The End of the World

I’ve long believed that there are two types of crazies in the world.  The first, much more common kind, is the type many of us sometimes fall into—and the type we all run into on a daily basis.  This type is made up of people like those who think Sarah Palin would make a good President, or those who don’t believe there were dinosaurs—generally well intentioned, just misguided in some of their beliefs.  Then there’s the second type.  The certifiable “voices in the head” crazy.  They’re the ones we “commit” and send to treatment, although they can be much less dangerous than the first kind.  

Today, I ran across a video from a whole new type of crazy.  In many ways it’s a dangerous combination of the first two, the type that might hear Sarah Palin’s voice in their head…but with a whole new crazy added on top.  I call this type the “William Tapley” crazy.  Just watch.

I hope you made it through the whole thing, but I fully understand if you weren’t able to.  For that reason, I have provided a brief summary (with commentary, of course). 

The speaker, William Tapley, introduces himself as the “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse”.  I’m not well versed enough in the end times to know who the other two eagles are.  I’m guessing one of them is Kirk Cameron.  He is also the “Co-Prophet of the End Times”.  How’s that for a title?  Suddenly, Director of Conversion Optimization doesn’t sound so fancy.  
 

 Last week, it would seem, was a super important week for those obsessed with the end of days.  North Korea fired shots on South Korea, which according to Tapley is the start of World War 3.  Now I know what you’re thinking…couldn’t that just be some saber rattling on the part of North Korea?   Well, Tapley has his bases covered.   The shots were fired on 11/23.  And the numbers 11 and 23 are evil numbers.  The Co-Prophet would know, he’s been looking for evil numbers.  

  The number 2 stands for man, the number 3 stands for God.  As a result, the number 23 puts man before God.  That’s bad.  And if you divide 2 by 3, you get…wait for it….666.  If doesn’t take an apocalyptic eagle to know that number’s bad news.  As for the number 11, well that’s a “homosexual number”.  Really?  I could have sworn it was 69.  Oh well, live and learn.  The guys at gay bingo are going to be very disappointed to hear this, though.  He doesn’t explain why 11 is a gay number here, but mentions that he has covered it in other postings.  It would seem that in order to be “William Tapley” crazy, you have to be a prolific youtube poster and I didn’t have the stamina to watch the hundreds of videos to find out. 

 So what, you might be asking yourself, North Korea fires some shots on an evil gay date.  That doesn’t mean the world is coming to an end.  Well, it just so happens that in the same week, the pope allowed the use of “some forms of condoms for male prostitutes.”  Some forms?  What forms?  Extra-large? Flavored? Textured?  My guess is that it’s the kind below.

 Taking us to the “Tribulation Timeline” Tapley explains that leading up to the midpoint of the tribulation, aka the “Abomination of Desolation”, the Holy City will be trod under foot for 42 months.  The Holy City is not Jerusalem, he explains, but rather Rome and the Vatican City.  With the conditional allowance of condom use by Pope Bennedict, the trodding has begun.  This will cause Catholics to flee from their church for 1260 days.  This places the “Abomination of Desolation” on April 13, 2014.  I’ve gone ahead and had t-shirts printed.  Not only is this a Palm Sunday, but its an unusual Palm Sunday.  On this date, it just so happens that the Orthodox and Christian church both celebrate Palm Sunday.  Convinced yet?  Well you should be.  What better day for the antichrist to make his appearance than the day both Jews and Christians celebrate Christ’s triumphal entry.  

  He goes on for a bit about Catholics fleeing the church, and then lets us in on one last little gem of a secret.  Airport scanners are a precursor to the mark of the beast.  I knew I saw little horns on the head of that TSA agent at SEATAC.  

 People talk crazy all the time.  It’s this guy’s conviction that makes it so frightening.  He might as well be telling us that unicorns dressed as smurfs are going to break into our homes and steal our pez dispenser collections….but he does it with unquestionable certainty.    And that is the true hallmark of “William Tapley Crazy”