Oh Noah They Didn't!

The church where my parents attend has a fairly elaborate children’s building with ornate painted caricatures and large cut-outs of animals and Noah that it calls Noah’s Park.  The church is quite proud of it, and rightfully so, they sunk a bit of change into constructing it.  Well, it looks like some folks in Kentucky are going to best them with the construction of “Ark Encounter”, a life sized replica of the ark.  

The ark will serve as the centerpiece of a $150 million, 800 acre, for-profit, theme park in Northern Kentucky.  According to their website www.arkencounter.com, “The Ark Encounter will be an immersive, historically themed experience for the whole family focused on having fun while learning about history. It is not an amusement park. It will feature a number of daily live performances, as well as live special events. It will also include “edu-tainment” aspects–educational and entertaining experiences within each attraction.”

 It’s not an amusement park?  Crap!  I was looking forward to an ark themed “Flying Dutchmen” ride.  Lack of rides, aside, the project is a pretty ambitious one…and one that I’m not quite sure I’m “on board” with.  While I’m fully accustomed to the monetization of Christianity, it seems like there could be far better uses of $150 million in living out the message of Christ than building this Disneyworld meets Liberty University attraction. 

As you might expect, the centerpiece of the park will be the ark itself.  Ark Encounter describes the attraction as “A full-size Ark, built to biblical dimensions. Guests will be able to tour the Ark and be immersed in the times of the Bible through highly themed scenes and presentations. This walk-through of the Ark will enable each guest to gain an understanding of how it could have been built, and how Noah, his family, and all of the representative kinds of land animals were cared for, and then survived on board for 370 days of the Flood and its aftermath. “
 

Now, when you think of the story of the ark it’s easy to conjure up images of furry animals, doves, and rainbows.  But don’t forget about that whole global annihilation part too.  How exactly will the attraction handle that?  Will guests get to smell the horrific stink that must have been present from having thousands of animals in one enclosure?  Will they be able to hear the screams of men as they claw at the structure for life trying to get inside as the waters rise?  Will children be able to see the faces of the mothers treading water while trying to keep their infants’ heads above the waterline?  There is nothing cute or whimsical about the true story of the ark.  It’s a tale of global destruction.  It’s the most nightmarish tale in the history of the world.  But go ahead, bring the kids.  Just make sure you live somewhere very, very, dry…because every time it starts to rain at your house, your kiddos are going to feel a panic like none they’ve ever known.  Sweet dreams!
 

But wait, there’s more.  The park will also feature The Walled City.  “This 14-acre area depicts the lifestyle of the people of Noah’s day. It includes period shops, restaurants, and venues that bring to life the city and times in which Noah lived, including his house.”  
 

Am I the only one that thinks this may be a worse idea than the ark itself?  The people in Noah’s day were so wicked that God felt it necessary to destroy the whole world, right?  So I imagine this town would make Amsterdam look like Vatican City.  Not exactly what I would consider family friendly.  I’m not sure what sort of restaurants and period shops are going to be showcased here, but to experience it all as a family, you might want to go ahead and get your kids a fake ID.
 

But don’t worry; it’s not all Brothels and graven images.  The park also has Noah’s Animals.  “This fun area will provide Ark Encounter guests with the opportunity to learn more about some of the animal kinds that were on the Ark. This area will be similar to a petting zoo, complete with barns, a petting animal area, an open grazing area, a stage for daily live animal and bird shows, and lots of meet-and-greet areas for close-up encounters with unique animals and birds.”
 

Sounds harmless enough.  Just don’t let the kids get too attached to the animals.  They’re out here, not on the ark.  Wait, come to think of it, neither are you.   Crap.  Hope you invested in those swimming lessons.
 

Rising above the park will be a 100’ replica of The Tower of Babel.  Am I missing something?  Wasn’t the moral of the story of The Tower of Babel to not build a Tower of Babel?  At any rate, I’ll be investing in a Rosetta Stone kiosk at the base of the structure.  Seems like it might come in handy. 

Ark Encounter has their work cut out for them.  They anticipate the park being completed in the spring of 2014, and expect to attract 1.6 million visitors a year.  That puts it on par with the attendance of a mid-sized Six Flags.  Whatever motivates people to visit, I have but one closing suggestion.  As you’re leaving the giant, gated, walled complex built by investors more interested in profits than sharing Christ’s love…don’t turn around and look back.   I’d hate for you to literally become “salt of the earth.”