Taking the Sin out of Cinema

By now, everyone knows that I’m a raging right-wing fundamentalist.  In fact, if it weren’t for some pesky zoning laws and tax-code issues I would have franchised Westboro Baptist Churches across this great, God-fearing land.  So you can easily imagine my delight when I came across the “ClearPlay” DVD player.  Essentially, it’s a DVD player that filters out all the horrible, objectionable materials in today’s movies and allows you to watch them with a clear conscience. 

The one reason I don’t have kids is I can’t stand the thought of raising them in a world as filthy and hedonistic as ours--fearful that they won’t be able to turn around and look back at the neighborhood as they head to preschool lest they become a pillar of salt.  Well, thanks to ClearPlay, we are on the road to societal recovery.  Now I can procreate without worrying that Jasmine and Aladdin will seduce my children with their revealing clothing and well-toned bodies.  Confident that Pochahontas will no longer have them praying to some “blue corn moon.”  That’s right, with this DVD player from heaven, families will be able to watch any movie they want without fear of corrupting their souls.  Don't believe me, just visit their site: www.clearplay.com.

The way it works is really quite simple.  You purchase the device and visit the website to download filters for the movies you want to watch.   Some poor lost soul at ClearPlay HQ has sacrificed his innocence to watch all the movies and log objectionable content.  You transfer that data from your computer to your “filter stick”.  You then slowly insert the “filter stick” into the hole on the front of the device to deposit the filtering information.  (The demonstration video leaves this part out because their filters found the insertion to be too suggestive.)  A miniature Pat Robertson or James Dobson contained in each device then uses that information to alter the playback of the movie. 

I, of course, rushed right out and bought one.  It was only $119, plus $8 dollars a month for a subscription to the content filters.  And let me tell you, my spiritual life is already improving.  But it’s also a huge time saver.  After removing the implied marital sex, intense action/adventure, war themes, non-graphic injury/wound, intense battle sequence, smoking, murder topic, implied premarital sex, threatening dialogue, intense life/death situations, disaster themes, alcohol consumption, bar/club environment, revealing clothing, fantasy/sci-fi action, intense thematic elements, suicide, criminal themes, gangster themes, and mob themes, the ridiculously long “Avatar” is a manageable 26 minutes.  I will spend all the time saved in prayer and devotion. 

So tonight, as I sit down to watch “Glee”, finally free of the non-sensual/non-crude sex talk, implied premarital sex, suggestive dancing, drug references, revealing clothing, homosexual/lesbian characters, dysfunctional relationships, and implied extramarital sex, I do so with a heart hopeful for the future…and with one request.  In a future release of the ClearPlay player, could the edited out scenes be replaced with clips from the 700 Club?  Then all would be right with the world—scratch that—all would be righteous with the world.