What I Learned From the Superbowl Commercials

Commercials can be entertaining, but they can also be very informative.  Here are the things I learned from this year's Superbowl commercials.

Camaro's will turn into monster robots that will kick your ass. Sketchers will make you run off your super hot trainer. Fox can promote Glee and Chevrolet in 30 seconds or less. Cadillacs can drive 190 mph in the rain. Mercedes Benz have become sentient and will most likely battle the Chevys in a transformer-like battle. Insects make creepy car commercials. Go Daddy likes porn.  Go Daddy likes Joan Rivers.  Go Daddy likes Joan Rivers porn. Good tires will keep you from killing small woodland creatures who will eventually save your life.  They will also help you steal and smash your co-workers computers. Hyundai waxes philosophical about progress in one spot, and tries to hypnotize us in another. Men like Pepsi Max more than sex.  Dorks like to use it to take out douche-bag guys.  Women like to use it to knock out the girls their boyfriends/husbands stare at. Dogs make great domestic staffers as long as they have bud light.  Bud light also makes your kitchen look bigger, and your movies more awesomer.  Cars are pervs filled with sexual innuendo and if you don't use cars.com you will eat poisoned food, be deformed by a transporter accident and get hit by arrows. Chrysler is super classy (seriously I loved their commercial). Mini owners and drivers like to "cram it in the boot". Car Max makes customer service look terrifying but makes jumping around in a mattress store look awesome. Stella Artois proves it's the most boring of all the beers. Coke can bring people together, but keep mythological beasts apart. Groupon is culturally insensitive and would rather you eat Tibetan food and see whales than help Tibetans and save whales. HomeAway is an interesting conept that abuses babies. Ozzy Osbourne is still super creepy. The e-trade baby is in a pedo relationship with his tailor and his cat has the flu. The black eyed peas are strange even as cute animated kids. I don't know what the Xperia is, but it now has thumbs. Snickers will make you grow an unruly beard and will crush Rosanne Barr (I can get on board with the second part). The Chevy Cruze brings social media to your car in a completely useless way.  And, just like social media, old people don't understand the Cruze. Kids dressed as Darth Vader can be convinced they have the force by Volkswagens. BMW's may run on expensive diesel fuel, but at least they do it without producing a lot of black smog…oh, and they make some cars in the south. Even fancy floral sites can't keep you from sending chauvinistic messages to your significant other. An animated Eminem is still a bad ass. The Chevy Volt is just as an important discovery as electricity. Despite the fact that no regular person wants a Kia; police, evil moguls, sea gods, and aliens all want one. Doritos will make you rip off your co-worker's pants and suck his finger.  But they will also bring back your dead grandfather.   Be careful, though, dogs really love Doritos too. Chevrolet Trucks can rescue your kid from the neighborhood volcano (alternative solution: don't move into a neighborhood with a volcano). Use Living Social if you want to be a cross-dresser. Bernie Madoff can use an Audi to escape from his posh prison. Monkeys are poor co-workers.  They are also terribly insensitive drivers. And finally, Motorola makes it easier to woo your drone-like girlfriend.

American Idol: New Orleans Auditions

The second stop on the Idol audition tour is New Orleans.  6,500 people turn out for their chance to become the next American Idol.  Jennifer looks extra nice.  Steven looks extra creepy.  Randy looks extra dawg. 

The first singer up to bat is Jordan Dorsey.  He's a vocal and piano instructor.  He says he's extra stern on his students.  He expects them to practice 4 or 5 times, not just once.  5 whole practices?  Man, this guy is strict.  Randy says since he plays piano he knows Jordan is going to be in tune.  He was in tune.  He was actually really good.  Halfway through his song he says he's going to "change it up"--so he starts snapping.  That's something you learn in practice 5 I bet.  Forget the snapping, though.  What he should change is his clothes.  A white t-shirt?  Buddy, you're going on television, not cutting the grass.  The judges like him despite his fashion, however, and send him to Hollywood. 

We see a couple of bad no-name singers who all are given no's.  Then we meet Sarah Sellers.  She has big lips.  Steven is impressed with her large lips.  She wears glasses.  Steven also likes her glasses.  I think she looks like an elementary school librarian, but she's got a great voice.  All three judges give her a yes and she is on her way to Hollywood. 

Jovany Barreto has a crush on J Lo.  He also is enamored with Marc Anthony.  He sings a song in spanish and then starts sucking up big time to Jennifer.  Then he strips for her.  Wait, what's happening?  When did this become a Chippendales audition?  You're trying to get to Hollywood, not Vegas.  In any event, someone give this guy a bowtie.  He apologizes to Marc Anthony for stripping in front of his wife.  Look Jovany, we all know now you have a killer body but Marc is worth roughly $125 million.  I don't think he feels threatened in the least.  The strip tease does the trick, though, and he gets his ticket.

Randy is from Louisiana, so those of us who aren't watching this on our DVR are forced to sit through a Randy tribute segment.  I'm a little disappointed they didn't play "Who Let the Dogs Out", but I manage.  And, it just so happens the next contestant, Jacquelyn Dupree, has a relative that coached Randy in high school football.  This girl's in before she even sings a note.  Of course they trot in the coach and he and Randy Banter back and forth a bit.  Jacquelyn is good, but it's almost as if she's trying too hard.  With the family connection to Randy's past, though, she gets her trip to Hollywood.

Next we get to meet Brett.  He likes to stand out, which is good because he's a goofy looking guy with crazy red hair.  He uses baby oil to condition it, which seem messy and a little gross.  He was constantly bullied and picked on as a kid.  This bothered him until one day he had an epiphany…he's going to be comfortable in his own shell…"a red apple in a pile of green apples".  This may be the most awkward contestant in the history of the show, but he's good.  Shockingly good.  And he shouldn't be.  He's too awkward. 

Gabriel Franks is full of himself.  I've heard him say five words and I don't like him already.  He sings "Bad Romance."  The should be a rule…no, a law…against guys singing this song.  And an amendment to that law should prohibit Gabriel from ever singing again. 

Since Gabriel was so bad, we get some relief by seeing more bad singers.  And then Alex comes in to meet the judges.  When Alex was 15 (he's 18 now), he went to Idol Camp.  He's painfully bad.  What kind of idols is the camp trying to produce?  Comic Idols? Tone Deaf Idols? Oblivious to reality idols? 

We need some relief from bad singing, and what we get is JC Badeaux.  He's a 15 year old fat kid so things aren't' looking all that great that we will be spared from more acoustic torture.  OMG!  He's actually good!  It's a fat Justin Bieber!  Or a young, white, skinny Reuben Stoddard!  He's my fav.  Sorry awkward red head guy, sorry shirtless hunk, I want the fat kid to win.  J Lo says he is so sweet, and I agree.  It must be the large amounts of sugar that he obviously eats. 

Rounding out the New Orleans auditions is Paris Tassin.  She got pregnant when she was 15.  When she went to the doctor to find out if she was going to have a boy or girl, they told her the baby had hydrocephalus and encouraged her to have an abortion.  She decided to have the baby.  The baby made it and is doing good.  It's this episodes only real sob story…and it's a pretty good one…so I'm moved.  Her song has some good moments and some bad moments, but the emotion of it all attacks Jennifer and she starts crying.  They give her a ticket to Hollywood. 

So far, the first two episodes have been good.  I think this season might be able to redeem the show from last year's bore-fest.  It has the perfect match of talent, crazies, and talented crazies, so the Hollywood rounds are sure to be exciting. 

American Idol: New Jersey Auditions

Grab your pocketknives and start whittling your graven images…American Idol is back and it's all new.  Or at least that's what they tell me, or rather show me…for 9 whole minutes.  New judges, new audition-round set, new intro graphic package.  New.  New.  New.  Wait, to be so new, why does everything seem so familiar?  There's still judges, there's still contestants, there's still Ryan.  So maybe not new, but at least a little different.  Is different good?  We'll have to wait a couple of months to know, but it's season 10 so lets give it a shot. 

The obvious big change is the new judges, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler.  Sitting next to each other in the auditions, I can't help but notice that Steven looks like he could be J Lo's mom.  Such long pretty hair, such pouty lips, and skin pulled back so tight he looks like the love child of Joan Rivers and Skeletor. Anyhoo, I digress.  The first round of auditions are in New Jersey.  New Jersey is right next to New York.  They could have had the auditions there, but they pick Jersey instead.  A fact that I blame squarely on the popularity of "Jersey Shore". 

Up first this season we have Rachel Zevita.  Jennifer recognizes her as a contestant from season 6.  Really?  Either Jennifer is a stone-faced liar or a lifelong Idol addict with a steel-trap mind.  My money's on the former.  More shocking is that Jennifer says she remembers her being really good.  See, told you that mind's not a steel trap.  After seeing a clip of Rachel's from her season six audition I'm not even sure it's a rusty iron trap.  Her song starts out really rough, then gets a little better, but by the end, her voice is so full of vibrato that her song might as well be written by Puccini.  As they start to criticize her, she lays on the sucking-up thick.  And it works.  They all give her a yes. 

Next is Caleb Hawley.  He has a Jason Mraz-esque sound with a bluesy feel.  It's not bad, and is definitely better than Rachel, so he gets a golden ticket as well.

The third person to face the judges is 15 year old Kenzie Palmer.  She's a cute girl that has the best voice of the three we've heard so far.  She doesn't move enough for Randy, but he gives her a yes anyway (presumably so he can have the chance to say "Yo, yo, dawg, I can't believe you're only 15" all season long).  The other judges follow suit and just like that, Kenzie is on her way to Hollywood. 

Three no-named singers are quickly shown and granted tickets to Hollywood, and then we meet Achille.  She's from the Ivory Coast.  She sounds like a tone-deaf frog recovering from laryngitis.  The judges say no.  She blames it on the accent.  Honey, it's not the accent.  You can blame the hair, monstrous height, and horrific fashion on your heritage, but you gotta own that you just can't sing.  You wouldn't make it a bit farther on Ivory Coast Idol.

It's a third of the way through the show, and I'm just about to give up any hope of seeing any "Jersey Shore" inspired trashiness when Tiffany Rios appears.  Score!  This Snooki wannabe is just what I've been waiting for.  In her introduction, she tells us that you've "got to have the teasing brush with you at all times."  Girl, I am so with you on that!  How else are we supposed to fashion our hair into a frizzed out mess in the bathroom of a strip-mall Burger King?  I tried to do it by shaking my head to Willow Smith's "Whip My Hair", but all that did was sprain my neck.  The teasing brush is a much better approach.  Tiffany also lets us know that since she is Puerto Rican she has been "blessed in the front and back area".  Something tells me she isn't talking about her eyelashes and the curve of her spine.  Talk about putting the "ass" in "classy". To accentuate her "front area" she pastes large silver cardboard stars to her not so little ladies.  After having a slight come apart when she meets J Lo, she sings an original song- "America Needs Me for Higher Ratings on TV".  The song itself is atrocious, but her voice is decent so the judges ask her to pick a different song.  She decide on "I'm Your Lady".  As much as it pains me to say it, she was pretty good and the judges send her to Hollywood. 

We get a series of nameless no's before meeting Melika.  It's bad.  The voice, the dress, the look.  All bad.  It's a no for her.

Robbie Rosen was in a wheelchair when he was a kid.  Evidently is was pretty traumatic as the family didn't take any photos of him during that time.  It's a pretty weak sob story, but since its the only one we've had so far I guess it will do.  He's been watching the show since it started…when he was 7…OMG I'm old.  He has a good voice.  A big voice.  Not as big as his nose mind you. Seriously, the kid has a gigantic nose.  But, he's kinda cute in a meek and mild way so I'm a fan. 

Next we get a series of clips featuring Steven Tyler creeping on the female contestants.  It's a little bit frightening.  Steven, flirting obsessively with the underage contestants doesn't make you seem young and virile.  It just makes you seem desperate and potentially viral.  20 seconds into the montage and I fully expected Antoine Dodson to appear reminding us to hide our kids, hide our wife. 

The next hopeful to face the judges is Chris Cordeiro.  He's a longtime boy scout.  He tells us he's prepared, after all, it's the boy scout way.  We see a brief clip of his eagle scout project, a video PSA to encourage teens not to text and drive.  His outfit is totally stupid.  Like he's at camp and his regular uniform is hanging out to dry.  He tries singing Sinatra.  It's no good.  Obviously Chris didn't get the singing merit badge…or the fashion badge for that matter.  He gets lost leaving the platform so his orienteering merit badge is also missing I guess. 

We see a few more no's and then meet Michael.  Michael has a problem.  He burps when he gets nervous.  We are treated to a series of burps to prove the point.  Before you get too concerned, though, he tells us he doesn't think it's acid reflux or anything.  What a relief.  For a moment there I thought it was a medical condition.  I'm comforted now to know you're just rude.  He sings "Proud Mary".  Mary wouldn't be proud.  At least he made it through the song without burping. 

Our first glimpse of Ashley Sullivan is her coming out of a portable toilet.  She looks like a Saturday Night Live character…or a meth addict….or maybe a Saturday Night Live character playing a meth addict.  She's a huge Britney Spears fan.  She carries a folded up magazine photo of Britney in her back pocket.  She tells the judges she wants to be the first "showtune popstar."  Now don't get me wrong, no one wants a showtune popstar more than me.  I would just prefer the vehicle not be a meth'd out anorexic.  She is on the low end of the decent scale vocally, but she manages to cry and beg yes votes out of Steven and Jennifer. 

Victoria Huggins has a squeaky, southern speaking voice.  If Disney ever releases an animated feature where Minnie Mouse grows up in rural Appalachia, Vicky is a shoe-in to do the voice over work.  She's kind of adorable, and kind of a train wreck.  When Steven compliments her on her skirt (Stop it Steven), she replies that she wants "to appeal to the boy audience" but also wants "to be a lady".  A couple of nights in Hollywood with Tiffany Rios will cure her of her modesty I'm sure.  If nothing else, she's entertaining in a Kelli Pickler sort of way and the judges all vote yes. 

Melinda Ademi is from Kosovo.  Her and her parents left there because of the war when they won a green card in the green card lottery.  The video montage shows lines of people waiting at a food distribution.  Sorry Robbie, this is the way to do a sob story.  She has a so-so voice but the story is just too much to pass up so all the judges give her a yes. 

Next we are introduced to the singing waitress, Devyn Rush.  She spends a good portion of her 15 minutes of fame plugging her restaurant, so she's obviously also a brilliant marketer.  Her voice is the best we've heard so far.  Randy comments that she was "changing notes and the whole thing" and that's the sign of a good ear.  I thought  changing notes was just the sign of singing, but I'll leave it to the experts I suppose.  Randy also says she can "blow".  Ummm, eek.  Perhaps you should leave yours and the contestants personal relationships off the air.  Just a thought. 

After some quick no's for Jeremy Kennedy and Genise Deal, we meet Yoji- aka, Yogi Pop.  He has imitated Michael Jackson since before he was born, but he doesn't like doing it.  He hates the song "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus.  So, of course, he sings "Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus.  Insert asian karaoke stereotype here.  Suffice it to say, it's bad.  But his Michael Jackson dancing is pretty good, so at least he can keep doing one of the things he hates. 

Brielle's dad was a member of a singing group.  Then he got throat cancer.  He's cancer free now, which makes for an uplifting story.  It lacked the stirring images of people waiting in bread lines, but when the dad comes in to meet the judges it's enough to make them overlook her moderate vocal performance.  She gets three yes votes.

The last contestant of the episode it Travis Orlando.  Travis grew up in a poor neighborhood filled with gangs, drugs, violence, robberies, and killings.  He's throwing every tactic in the sob-story book at us.  We get to see a video clip of the shelter where he lived for several years, complete with images of leaky hydrants and sounds of sirens.  He's a cute guy with a bit of a Bruno Mars look.  He sings a Beatles song with a light latin flair.  It's pretty good.  He also sings a Jason Mraz number, and it's really good.  After the judges give him a pass to Hollywood he breaks down in tears and his brother rushes over to comfort and congratulate him.  It's actually pretty sweet and heartwarming and I tear up a little.  What's wrong with me? 

All in all the premier episode was good.  We'll see if the judges can build on their chemistry and if the talent stays strong.  That is, after all, what makes this American Idol.