Grab your pocketknives and start whittling your graven images…American Idol is back and it's all new. Or at least that's what they tell me, or rather show me…for 9 whole minutes. New judges, new audition-round set, new intro graphic package. New. New. New. Wait, to be so new, why does everything seem so familiar? There's still judges, there's still contestants, there's still Ryan. So maybe not new, but at least a little different. Is different good? We'll have to wait a couple of months to know, but it's season 10 so lets give it a shot.
The obvious big change is the new judges, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. Sitting next to each other in the auditions, I can't help but notice that Steven looks like he could be J Lo's mom. Such long pretty hair, such pouty lips, and skin pulled back so tight he looks like the love child of Joan Rivers and Skeletor. Anyhoo, I digress. The first round of auditions are in New Jersey. New Jersey is right next to New York. They could have had the auditions there, but they pick Jersey instead. A fact that I blame squarely on the popularity of "Jersey Shore".
Up first this season we have Rachel Zevita. Jennifer recognizes her as a contestant from season 6. Really? Either Jennifer is a stone-faced liar or a lifelong Idol addict with a steel-trap mind. My money's on the former. More shocking is that Jennifer says she remembers her being really good. See, told you that mind's not a steel trap. After seeing a clip of Rachel's from her season six audition I'm not even sure it's a rusty iron trap. Her song starts out really rough, then gets a little better, but by the end, her voice is so full of vibrato that her song might as well be written by Puccini. As they start to criticize her, she lays on the sucking-up thick. And it works. They all give her a yes.
Next is Caleb Hawley. He has a Jason Mraz-esque sound with a bluesy feel. It's not bad, and is definitely better than Rachel, so he gets a golden ticket as well.
The third person to face the judges is 15 year old Kenzie Palmer. She's a cute girl that has the best voice of the three we've heard so far. She doesn't move enough for Randy, but he gives her a yes anyway (presumably so he can have the chance to say "Yo, yo, dawg, I can't believe you're only 15" all season long). The other judges follow suit and just like that, Kenzie is on her way to Hollywood.
Three no-named singers are quickly shown and granted tickets to Hollywood, and then we meet Achille. She's from the Ivory Coast. She sounds like a tone-deaf frog recovering from laryngitis. The judges say no. She blames it on the accent. Honey, it's not the accent. You can blame the hair, monstrous height, and horrific fashion on your heritage, but you gotta own that you just can't sing. You wouldn't make it a bit farther on Ivory Coast Idol.
It's a third of the way through the show, and I'm just about to give up any hope of seeing any "Jersey Shore" inspired trashiness when Tiffany Rios appears. Score! This Snooki wannabe is just what I've been waiting for. In her introduction, she tells us that you've "got to have the teasing brush with you at all times." Girl, I am so with you on that! How else are we supposed to fashion our hair into a frizzed out mess in the bathroom of a strip-mall Burger King? I tried to do it by shaking my head to Willow Smith's "Whip My Hair", but all that did was sprain my neck. The teasing brush is a much better approach. Tiffany also lets us know that since she is Puerto Rican she has been "blessed in the front and back area". Something tells me she isn't talking about her eyelashes and the curve of her spine. Talk about putting the "ass" in "classy". To accentuate her "front area" she pastes large silver cardboard stars to her not so little ladies. After having a slight come apart when she meets J Lo, she sings an original song- "America Needs Me for Higher Ratings on TV". The song itself is atrocious, but her voice is decent so the judges ask her to pick a different song. She decide on "I'm Your Lady". As much as it pains me to say it, she was pretty good and the judges send her to Hollywood.
We get a series of nameless no's before meeting Melika. It's bad. The voice, the dress, the look. All bad. It's a no for her.
Robbie Rosen was in a wheelchair when he was a kid. Evidently is was pretty traumatic as the family didn't take any photos of him during that time. It's a pretty weak sob story, but since its the only one we've had so far I guess it will do. He's been watching the show since it started…when he was 7…OMG I'm old. He has a good voice. A big voice. Not as big as his nose mind you. Seriously, the kid has a gigantic nose. But, he's kinda cute in a meek and mild way so I'm a fan.
Next we get a series of clips featuring Steven Tyler creeping on the female contestants. It's a little bit frightening. Steven, flirting obsessively with the underage contestants doesn't make you seem young and virile. It just makes you seem desperate and potentially viral. 20 seconds into the montage and I fully expected Antoine Dodson to appear reminding us to hide our kids, hide our wife.
The next hopeful to face the judges is Chris Cordeiro. He's a longtime boy scout. He tells us he's prepared, after all, it's the boy scout way. We see a brief clip of his eagle scout project, a video PSA to encourage teens not to text and drive. His outfit is totally stupid. Like he's at camp and his regular uniform is hanging out to dry. He tries singing Sinatra. It's no good. Obviously Chris didn't get the singing merit badge…or the fashion badge for that matter. He gets lost leaving the platform so his orienteering merit badge is also missing I guess.
We see a few more no's and then meet Michael. Michael has a problem. He burps when he gets nervous. We are treated to a series of burps to prove the point. Before you get too concerned, though, he tells us he doesn't think it's acid reflux or anything. What a relief. For a moment there I thought it was a medical condition. I'm comforted now to know you're just rude. He sings "Proud Mary". Mary wouldn't be proud. At least he made it through the song without burping.
Our first glimpse of Ashley Sullivan is her coming out of a portable toilet. She looks like a Saturday Night Live character…or a meth addict….or maybe a Saturday Night Live character playing a meth addict. She's a huge Britney Spears fan. She carries a folded up magazine photo of Britney in her back pocket. She tells the judges she wants to be the first "showtune popstar." Now don't get me wrong, no one wants a showtune popstar more than me. I would just prefer the vehicle not be a meth'd out anorexic. She is on the low end of the decent scale vocally, but she manages to cry and beg yes votes out of Steven and Jennifer.
Victoria Huggins has a squeaky, southern speaking voice. If Disney ever releases an animated feature where Minnie Mouse grows up in rural Appalachia, Vicky is a shoe-in to do the voice over work. She's kind of adorable, and kind of a train wreck. When Steven compliments her on her skirt (Stop it Steven), she replies that she wants "to appeal to the boy audience" but also wants "to be a lady". A couple of nights in Hollywood with Tiffany Rios will cure her of her modesty I'm sure. If nothing else, she's entertaining in a Kelli Pickler sort of way and the judges all vote yes.
Melinda Ademi is from Kosovo. Her and her parents left there because of the war when they won a green card in the green card lottery. The video montage shows lines of people waiting at a food distribution. Sorry Robbie, this is the way to do a sob story. She has a so-so voice but the story is just too much to pass up so all the judges give her a yes.
Next we are introduced to the singing waitress, Devyn Rush. She spends a good portion of her 15 minutes of fame plugging her restaurant, so she's obviously also a brilliant marketer. Her voice is the best we've heard so far. Randy comments that she was "changing notes and the whole thing" and that's the sign of a good ear. I thought changing notes was just the sign of singing, but I'll leave it to the experts I suppose. Randy also says she can "blow". Ummm, eek. Perhaps you should leave yours and the contestants personal relationships off the air. Just a thought.
After some quick no's for Jeremy Kennedy and Genise Deal, we meet Yoji- aka, Yogi Pop. He has imitated Michael Jackson since before he was born, but he doesn't like doing it. He hates the song "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. So, of course, he sings "Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. Insert asian karaoke stereotype here. Suffice it to say, it's bad. But his Michael Jackson dancing is pretty good, so at least he can keep doing one of the things he hates.
Brielle's dad was a member of a singing group. Then he got throat cancer. He's cancer free now, which makes for an uplifting story. It lacked the stirring images of people waiting in bread lines, but when the dad comes in to meet the judges it's enough to make them overlook her moderate vocal performance. She gets three yes votes.
The last contestant of the episode it Travis Orlando. Travis grew up in a poor neighborhood filled with gangs, drugs, violence, robberies, and killings. He's throwing every tactic in the sob-story book at us. We get to see a video clip of the shelter where he lived for several years, complete with images of leaky hydrants and sounds of sirens. He's a cute guy with a bit of a Bruno Mars look. He sings a Beatles song with a light latin flair. It's pretty good. He also sings a Jason Mraz number, and it's really good. After the judges give him a pass to Hollywood he breaks down in tears and his brother rushes over to comfort and congratulate him. It's actually pretty sweet and heartwarming and I tear up a little. What's wrong with me?
All in all the premier episode was good. We'll see if the judges can build on their chemistry and if the talent stays strong. That is, after all, what makes this American Idol.
The obvious big change is the new judges, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. Sitting next to each other in the auditions, I can't help but notice that Steven looks like he could be J Lo's mom. Such long pretty hair, such pouty lips, and skin pulled back so tight he looks like the love child of Joan Rivers and Skeletor. Anyhoo, I digress. The first round of auditions are in New Jersey. New Jersey is right next to New York. They could have had the auditions there, but they pick Jersey instead. A fact that I blame squarely on the popularity of "Jersey Shore".
Up first this season we have Rachel Zevita. Jennifer recognizes her as a contestant from season 6. Really? Either Jennifer is a stone-faced liar or a lifelong Idol addict with a steel-trap mind. My money's on the former. More shocking is that Jennifer says she remembers her being really good. See, told you that mind's not a steel trap. After seeing a clip of Rachel's from her season six audition I'm not even sure it's a rusty iron trap. Her song starts out really rough, then gets a little better, but by the end, her voice is so full of vibrato that her song might as well be written by Puccini. As they start to criticize her, she lays on the sucking-up thick. And it works. They all give her a yes.
Next is Caleb Hawley. He has a Jason Mraz-esque sound with a bluesy feel. It's not bad, and is definitely better than Rachel, so he gets a golden ticket as well.
The third person to face the judges is 15 year old Kenzie Palmer. She's a cute girl that has the best voice of the three we've heard so far. She doesn't move enough for Randy, but he gives her a yes anyway (presumably so he can have the chance to say "Yo, yo, dawg, I can't believe you're only 15" all season long). The other judges follow suit and just like that, Kenzie is on her way to Hollywood.
Three no-named singers are quickly shown and granted tickets to Hollywood, and then we meet Achille. She's from the Ivory Coast. She sounds like a tone-deaf frog recovering from laryngitis. The judges say no. She blames it on the accent. Honey, it's not the accent. You can blame the hair, monstrous height, and horrific fashion on your heritage, but you gotta own that you just can't sing. You wouldn't make it a bit farther on Ivory Coast Idol.
It's a third of the way through the show, and I'm just about to give up any hope of seeing any "Jersey Shore" inspired trashiness when Tiffany Rios appears. Score! This Snooki wannabe is just what I've been waiting for. In her introduction, she tells us that you've "got to have the teasing brush with you at all times." Girl, I am so with you on that! How else are we supposed to fashion our hair into a frizzed out mess in the bathroom of a strip-mall Burger King? I tried to do it by shaking my head to Willow Smith's "Whip My Hair", but all that did was sprain my neck. The teasing brush is a much better approach. Tiffany also lets us know that since she is Puerto Rican she has been "blessed in the front and back area". Something tells me she isn't talking about her eyelashes and the curve of her spine. Talk about putting the "ass" in "classy". To accentuate her "front area" she pastes large silver cardboard stars to her not so little ladies. After having a slight come apart when she meets J Lo, she sings an original song- "America Needs Me for Higher Ratings on TV". The song itself is atrocious, but her voice is decent so the judges ask her to pick a different song. She decide on "I'm Your Lady". As much as it pains me to say it, she was pretty good and the judges send her to Hollywood.
We get a series of nameless no's before meeting Melika. It's bad. The voice, the dress, the look. All bad. It's a no for her.
Robbie Rosen was in a wheelchair when he was a kid. Evidently is was pretty traumatic as the family didn't take any photos of him during that time. It's a pretty weak sob story, but since its the only one we've had so far I guess it will do. He's been watching the show since it started…when he was 7…OMG I'm old. He has a good voice. A big voice. Not as big as his nose mind you. Seriously, the kid has a gigantic nose. But, he's kinda cute in a meek and mild way so I'm a fan.
Next we get a series of clips featuring Steven Tyler creeping on the female contestants. It's a little bit frightening. Steven, flirting obsessively with the underage contestants doesn't make you seem young and virile. It just makes you seem desperate and potentially viral. 20 seconds into the montage and I fully expected Antoine Dodson to appear reminding us to hide our kids, hide our wife.
The next hopeful to face the judges is Chris Cordeiro. He's a longtime boy scout. He tells us he's prepared, after all, it's the boy scout way. We see a brief clip of his eagle scout project, a video PSA to encourage teens not to text and drive. His outfit is totally stupid. Like he's at camp and his regular uniform is hanging out to dry. He tries singing Sinatra. It's no good. Obviously Chris didn't get the singing merit badge…or the fashion badge for that matter. He gets lost leaving the platform so his orienteering merit badge is also missing I guess.
We see a few more no's and then meet Michael. Michael has a problem. He burps when he gets nervous. We are treated to a series of burps to prove the point. Before you get too concerned, though, he tells us he doesn't think it's acid reflux or anything. What a relief. For a moment there I thought it was a medical condition. I'm comforted now to know you're just rude. He sings "Proud Mary". Mary wouldn't be proud. At least he made it through the song without burping.
Our first glimpse of Ashley Sullivan is her coming out of a portable toilet. She looks like a Saturday Night Live character…or a meth addict….or maybe a Saturday Night Live character playing a meth addict. She's a huge Britney Spears fan. She carries a folded up magazine photo of Britney in her back pocket. She tells the judges she wants to be the first "showtune popstar." Now don't get me wrong, no one wants a showtune popstar more than me. I would just prefer the vehicle not be a meth'd out anorexic. She is on the low end of the decent scale vocally, but she manages to cry and beg yes votes out of Steven and Jennifer.
Victoria Huggins has a squeaky, southern speaking voice. If Disney ever releases an animated feature where Minnie Mouse grows up in rural Appalachia, Vicky is a shoe-in to do the voice over work. She's kind of adorable, and kind of a train wreck. When Steven compliments her on her skirt (Stop it Steven), she replies that she wants "to appeal to the boy audience" but also wants "to be a lady". A couple of nights in Hollywood with Tiffany Rios will cure her of her modesty I'm sure. If nothing else, she's entertaining in a Kelli Pickler sort of way and the judges all vote yes.
Melinda Ademi is from Kosovo. Her and her parents left there because of the war when they won a green card in the green card lottery. The video montage shows lines of people waiting at a food distribution. Sorry Robbie, this is the way to do a sob story. She has a so-so voice but the story is just too much to pass up so all the judges give her a yes.
Next we are introduced to the singing waitress, Devyn Rush. She spends a good portion of her 15 minutes of fame plugging her restaurant, so she's obviously also a brilliant marketer. Her voice is the best we've heard so far. Randy comments that she was "changing notes and the whole thing" and that's the sign of a good ear. I thought changing notes was just the sign of singing, but I'll leave it to the experts I suppose. Randy also says she can "blow". Ummm, eek. Perhaps you should leave yours and the contestants personal relationships off the air. Just a thought.
After some quick no's for Jeremy Kennedy and Genise Deal, we meet Yoji- aka, Yogi Pop. He has imitated Michael Jackson since before he was born, but he doesn't like doing it. He hates the song "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. So, of course, he sings "Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. Insert asian karaoke stereotype here. Suffice it to say, it's bad. But his Michael Jackson dancing is pretty good, so at least he can keep doing one of the things he hates.
Brielle's dad was a member of a singing group. Then he got throat cancer. He's cancer free now, which makes for an uplifting story. It lacked the stirring images of people waiting in bread lines, but when the dad comes in to meet the judges it's enough to make them overlook her moderate vocal performance. She gets three yes votes.
The last contestant of the episode it Travis Orlando. Travis grew up in a poor neighborhood filled with gangs, drugs, violence, robberies, and killings. He's throwing every tactic in the sob-story book at us. We get to see a video clip of the shelter where he lived for several years, complete with images of leaky hydrants and sounds of sirens. He's a cute guy with a bit of a Bruno Mars look. He sings a Beatles song with a light latin flair. It's pretty good. He also sings a Jason Mraz number, and it's really good. After the judges give him a pass to Hollywood he breaks down in tears and his brother rushes over to comfort and congratulate him. It's actually pretty sweet and heartwarming and I tear up a little. What's wrong with me?
All in all the premier episode was good. We'll see if the judges can build on their chemistry and if the talent stays strong. That is, after all, what makes this American Idol.
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