What I Learned From the Superbowl Commercials

Commercials can be entertaining, but they can also be very informative.  Here are the things I learned from this year's Superbowl commercials.

Camaro's will turn into monster robots that will kick your ass. Sketchers will make you run off your super hot trainer. Fox can promote Glee and Chevrolet in 30 seconds or less. Cadillacs can drive 190 mph in the rain. Mercedes Benz have become sentient and will most likely battle the Chevys in a transformer-like battle. Insects make creepy car commercials. Go Daddy likes porn.  Go Daddy likes Joan Rivers.  Go Daddy likes Joan Rivers porn. Good tires will keep you from killing small woodland creatures who will eventually save your life.  They will also help you steal and smash your co-workers computers. Hyundai waxes philosophical about progress in one spot, and tries to hypnotize us in another. Men like Pepsi Max more than sex.  Dorks like to use it to take out douche-bag guys.  Women like to use it to knock out the girls their boyfriends/husbands stare at. Dogs make great domestic staffers as long as they have bud light.  Bud light also makes your kitchen look bigger, and your movies more awesomer.  Cars are pervs filled with sexual innuendo and if you don't use cars.com you will eat poisoned food, be deformed by a transporter accident and get hit by arrows. Chrysler is super classy (seriously I loved their commercial). Mini owners and drivers like to "cram it in the boot". Car Max makes customer service look terrifying but makes jumping around in a mattress store look awesome. Stella Artois proves it's the most boring of all the beers. Coke can bring people together, but keep mythological beasts apart. Groupon is culturally insensitive and would rather you eat Tibetan food and see whales than help Tibetans and save whales. HomeAway is an interesting conept that abuses babies. Ozzy Osbourne is still super creepy. The e-trade baby is in a pedo relationship with his tailor and his cat has the flu. The black eyed peas are strange even as cute animated kids. I don't know what the Xperia is, but it now has thumbs. Snickers will make you grow an unruly beard and will crush Rosanne Barr (I can get on board with the second part). The Chevy Cruze brings social media to your car in a completely useless way.  And, just like social media, old people don't understand the Cruze. Kids dressed as Darth Vader can be convinced they have the force by Volkswagens. BMW's may run on expensive diesel fuel, but at least they do it without producing a lot of black smog…oh, and they make some cars in the south. Even fancy floral sites can't keep you from sending chauvinistic messages to your significant other. An animated Eminem is still a bad ass. The Chevy Volt is just as an important discovery as electricity. Despite the fact that no regular person wants a Kia; police, evil moguls, sea gods, and aliens all want one. Doritos will make you rip off your co-worker's pants and suck his finger.  But they will also bring back your dead grandfather.   Be careful, though, dogs really love Doritos too. Chevrolet Trucks can rescue your kid from the neighborhood volcano (alternative solution: don't move into a neighborhood with a volcano). Use Living Social if you want to be a cross-dresser. Bernie Madoff can use an Audi to escape from his posh prison. Monkeys are poor co-workers.  They are also terribly insensitive drivers. And finally, Motorola makes it easier to woo your drone-like girlfriend.